A Modern Day True Tale
I live in a fairly diverse neighborhood in Kansas City. While I love the old craftsmen style houses, big trees, and funky shops, it is the people that really make this place home. We are part of the only neighborhood coalition the intentionally includes both sides of Troost Avenue., a historic racial divider in this city. Our block has families, students from the local university (which is just 3 blocks away), retired folks, a Muslim family whose house doubles as a mosque for Friday prayers and 3 openly gay couples. For the first time in my life I know all my neighbors names.
I work over on the other side of the state line in a different world called Overland Park, Kansas. Even though it is only 12 miles away, it is like I enter bizzaro world, where all the houses have fenced yards, all the golf courses are private, and all the cars are SUV's with Bush 04 stickers.....(go below for the rest of the story)
...When someone new starts at work from out of town, they are of course told about where they should look for a house. Most of the other managers live in this bizzaro world and encourage the new employees to do the same. I do my best to talk up my area and stress the diversity and character, thinking that if this is an attractive quality to the new person, then they are also someone that I would probably want as a neighbor.
Now to be fair, one of the greatest challenges in living in my neighborhood is the school District. (Now I do not believe that all urban schools in diverse neighborhoods are bad, but Kansas City Schools happen to be particularly horrible, however, there are alternative for those with school age children. But that is another story.) I have also noticed that the phrase "our neighborhood has really good schools" has become the P.C. alternative around here for saying "the right kind of people". And then there is Bob.
I have worked with Bob for 10 years and never agreed with him on one issue. We are both loud and opinionated so there has been plenty of chance for comparison as well. In addition, Bob is openly prejudice. After getting scolded for making too many racist and sexist remarks, Bob has toned down his public remarks (though his private and one-on-one conversations still make my blood boil) except for in one area, the only area it is still acceptable to be openly prejudice in this area, and that is against Gay folks. And this is where are story finally begins.
Bob openly and vocally supported the hate amendments in Missouri and Kansas that recently passed, and he didn't bother disguising his reasons in any protection of marriage frames. A few months ago, Bob overheard me trying to talk a co-worker into looking for a house in my area, specifically talking up the diversity issue including the fact that folks are comfortable enough to be openly gay.
"You allow gay folks to live next to you? They would be gone faster than a fag in the army if they live within a mile of me." Bob can be so sweet.
Now I know better then to engage Bob on, well anything, and I usually try to ignore him completely, but I couldn't let this one go. "First off, Bob, even if it bothered me, which it doesn't, I can't dictate who live next to me, and second, I bet there are some people in your area that happen to be homosexual, but for some reason [dripping with sarcasm] they don't feel comfortable sharing this with you".
Well Bob, if anything, is very sure of himself. "I guarantee you, there are no fags in my neighborhood!" I say something to the affect of well while I cant imagine someone who is gay, or me, or really any thinking person wanting to live within a one mile radius of Bob, chances are one of these unlucky souls is Gay. Bob retorts with the ability of knowing a fag when he sees one (Oh really Bob?!?), so I ask if there are any single Men or Woman on his block.
Bob: Yeah, guy lives across the street from me is single, so?
Me: Is he good looking
Bob - typical homophobic response: I can't tell if a guy is good looking...I guess a woman would think so
Me: Keeps in good shape, well groomed, nice clothes and car?
Bob: Yeah, so what?
Me: Ever seen him have sex with a woman?
Bob: Hell no!
Me: Well there you go.
And I left the conversation. Of course I have no idea who this guy is or what his sexual orientation might be, but I must admit I enjoyed for a moment, messing with Bob's mind. And it bothered him enough that Bob actually took the time to meet his neighbor and offer him a beer, because as everyone knows, that is the sure fire way to tell if some one is gay. A couple of weeks later Bob mentions that he invited his neighbor over with some other folks (guess he didn't want to be alone with him) for a bbq and some beer. "I talked to the guy about chicks, no way he is gay. He even complimented my wife on her dress!"
"He could have just been covering", I tease, "did he bring his own beer?"
"Yeah" say Bob "He brought some to share."
"Do you remember hat kind?"
"Yeah, there was some left in the cooler, Sam Adams Light I think"
"Well there you go" I exit the conversation.
In the weeks that followed, I stopped teasing bob or even talking to him at all, although at times he would bring up the fact that I liked to live with fags and other garbage. In general though I had put it our of my mind, and really hadn't seen Bob much lately around the office, until this week. All week he looked weird and was unnaturally quite. Then today I had to go into the office for awhile and Bob was there. We ran into each other in the break room. Almost turned around and walked out but he looked horrible, like he was really sick, and so I asked him if he was okay.
"You remember that guy who lives across the street from me?"
Could it be. Could it be that he is really gay. "Yes," I say.
"Turns out," says Bob, "He has been sleeping with my wife."
I never know what to say in situations like this. Except this time.
"Well Bob, at least he wasn't gay."