PEAK LIES
by Sandy Underpants
WASHINGTON D.C.(Royters) - According to a GAO report released early this morning, the United States of Bush is out of lies. "We are now consuming more lies than we can produce," said chief lyologist Dr. Alexa Fulovit. With production from the promising Alaskan fields years away, and with the Chinese buying aggressively on the world market, there are many Republicans who are fearful that we are in the first stages of a lie crisis.
The rise in prices resulting from this market tightening is hitting the middle class first, and hitting them hard. Many lower level office holders must now choose between lying to their constituents or lying to their families. And lying to themselves is becoming a luxury; a luxury the Republican Party cannot survive without. The squeeze is most noticeable in the northern states, where busloads of city and county level politicians are crossing the border in search of lower-priced Canadian lies. One Toledo city councilman says that for him, the risks of using possibly contaminated foreign lies are just too great and he will bear the high U.S. prices as long as he can. Obviously, many others are willing to take those risks.
Some high volume consumers, such as radio talk show hosts, Florida and Ohio state governments, and everyone at Fox News, have been asked by Party leaders to voluntarily limit their usage. ...Just kidding, there is no hardship for the big money boys. In true Republican can-do spirit, an active black market has developed and word on the street is that Rush Limbaugh is buying stolen lies from his new housekeeper. Not quite so lucky are Lucas County coin/con man Tom Noe and his wife Bernadette who have had their state funding revoked and been gently reprimanded for their wasteful lying. They had been spewing as many as a dozen whoppers a day, driving up prices and depriving many less fortunate local Republicans of the lies they see as their birthright. A tension born of seething resentment can be felt just below the surface on the private golf courses. Backs are being slapped with a little less enthusiasm these days.
"We all knew this day was coming; even with the BushCo liefineries operating at full capacity we've been drawing down on our reserves for longer than I wish to tell you," said part-time video doctor, Sen. Bill Frist. Recently Sen. Pat Roberts(R) Kansas and RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman have been busy recruiting and organizing 'volunteers' to fill and stack liebags to help prevent a catastrophic flooding of the House of Rove. However they are finding the Rove pickin's mighty slim. Here's house majority whip Roy Blount, hurried into service for an appearance on 'Meet the Press': "Anyone with two eyes in his big fat head can see, with times being what they are and all, we should trust this president and we should trust those that he trusts and so forth right on down the line. Why just the other day I saw Karl Rove pet a dog and the dog wagged his tail, and you know what, Karl didn't even know that dog's name. He never said the dog's name, he just said, "here doggie, cumere puppy" or something like that; which just goes to show once again that liberals don't care about the truth, they just want to drag down America. It's obvious Karl is being attacked for his Christian beliefs and his love for this great country. All true Americans remember what happened on 9/11 and we can't allow the Democrats to attack those of us on the front lines in the War on Terror. .....And anyways, nobody even saw that memo, and she wasn't a spy, and even if she was, so what." "Fair enough, good points, excellent perspective," Russert replied. "And now we welcome former New York Times columnist Bill Safire, here to provide us with the conservative view."
Regardless of the damage control, some red-staters are beginning to grumble. "What will we tell our children?" asked a distraught mother of three young Republicans. "Where will tomorrow's lies come from? We're borrowing lies from the future and sticking our kids and grandkids with the bill. And don't get me started on that ridiculous Social Security 'Crisis'; what a waste. We could sure use some of those truth stretchers right now; we've got us a war to win."
Sadly, our supply of lies, heretofore thought to be inexhaustible, is running low just when they are most needed. Is rationing in our future? No Republican likes to think of the day when they are denied the easy access to lies that they've grown accustomed to. But nonetheless, that day may soon come. A man on the street asks, "But what about our fighting men and women; don't they deserve first shot at the finest lies America can produce? You know, Pat Tillman quality or better. And what about our military recruiters; the steady flow of lies from these brave soldiers is a national security imperative, is it not?" To answer these questions and to help avert a crisis of confidence in our military, Sec. of Defense Rumsfeld has issued a 'stop-loss' order, an 'anti-reality' order and a 'because I said so' order. He has instructed his generals to practice conservation by using only low quality public domain lies with our new friends, the Iraqis. "We're keepin' half of those crazy bastards busy, watching and waiting for the check to come in the mail," he chuckled. As we see below, Rumsfeld is also encouraging soldiers to rummage through their rhetorical junkyards to strip the lies from abandoned press releases. So, at least until the new season starts in late September, we will have to make do with lie reruns, such as this 'Enemies of Humanity' classic from July 13th:
Following (from CNN) are the two quotes as provided by the U.S. military in news releases:
Sunday's (July 24) news release said: "'The terrorists are attacking the infrastructure, the ISF and all of Iraq. They are enemies of humanity without religion or any sort of ethics. They have attacked my community today and I will now take the fight to the terrorists,' said one Iraqi man who preferred not to be identified."
The July 13 news release said: "'The terrorists are attacking the infrastructure, the children and all of Iraq,' said one Iraqi man who preferred not to be identified. 'They are enemies of humanity without religion or any sort of ethics. They have attacked my community today and I will now take the fight to the terrorists.'"
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