[OK, fine. I'll put this Meta on the frontpage. Today's a good day for a break, but what have I sunk to? -- Hunter.]
There's no good time to do this, when it won't look like I'm intentionally picking on someone or another -- but I've been meaning to write this for two weeks, so if you've made MetaJesus cry in the last two weeks, that's between you and him, but I'm only talking "abstractly".
There are a number of ways to make MetaJesus, personal MetaSavior of MetaDiaries on MetaKos, cry. Here they are, in no particular order.
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1. Referring to Armando in your title. Variations include "Armando is Wrong", "Why Armando is Wrong", "Armando is Still Wrong", "The Unbearable Wrongness of Armando", "Wrong Armando and Wrong: Wrong Wrong?"
There is literally no title which benefits, in today's steamy soup of diary thoughts, from mentioning Armando. Unless your target reader is Armando, in which case Armando will read it, but the rest of us will be sorely jealous that we cannot be equally Wrong.
And besides, a good piece of writing or argument should be able to stand on it's own, without invoking the Armando. If your argument is actually good, invoking Armando defeats the power of your diary. It's like writing an opera, then performing it with your pants around your knees. (Unless that's the effect you're going for, in which case it's brilliant.)
Thus, referring to Armando in your diary title makes MetaJesus cry. If you edit it out, your title will contain about 50% more content per word.
- 2. Declaring in your diary title that everyone but you is "missing the point". This is very similar to declaring Armando is Wrong, but instead you call 60,000 other people Wrong at the same time, so Armando won't be lonely.
The problem, again, is that your argument should be able to stand without the declaration that nobody but you personally understands it. MetaJesus cries when you claim 60,000 people aren't as smart as you are, as you present your idea that was actually presented many times before, just not using the same exact turn of phrase that you personally favor. Then MetaJesus gets up to get a soda, and feels better.
- 3. Issue X is a Distraction From Issue Y, Damnit! It is inevitable that, for any given issue, there will be a large percentage of the population that is convinced that the issue was planned and executed in advance in order to sneakily divert attention from the real issue, which is slinking by on the righthand portion of your monitor that is just out of view of human vision.
Now, don't get me wrong, often times distractions are planned. But there is a circularness to the cold, clammy debate that is both poetic and fearsome, like the steep and muddy waves crashing on a beach during a winter storm. And there's some flotsam there or something, I don't know.
For example, the Roberts SCOTUS nomination was widely seen as an attempt at distraction from Rove's troubles. Except for some people, who thought Rove's troubles were intentionally being dragged out to keep people from concentrating on Roberts. And Roberts also distracted from Bolton, who was about to be recess appointed (no, I mean that literally -- Roberts was to be appointed during the president's recess period, in which he gets to run around the Texas plains for a while, hopefully tiring himself out and ready for a good noontime nap.)
Roberts, Bolton, and Rove all were clever distractions, of course, from the ongoing saga of torture at Abu Ghraib and elsewhere. Abu Ghraib, in turn, was a planned distraction from the energy bill, and from the Coingate troubles in Ohio, which were carefully engineered by the Ohio Republican Party to keep us from talking about Tom DeLay. In fact, every act of Republican corruption for the last five years has been an ongoing attempt to distract the public from the last act of Republican corruption. Actually being corrupt is just a coincidence.
The point is that if Issue Y is your most important issue, and you think people are spending too much time on Issue X, MetaJesus commands you to write compelling articles about Issue Y yourself, because clearly everyone else is an idiot who managed to get their fingers stuck between their keyboard keys, and are frantically dialing 9-1-1 with their tongues.
Come to think of it, if nobody else is writing about the same topic you are, on any given day, it probably means they're trapped by their keyboards, so you should probably call 911. Or call upon MetaJesus, who, if He has finished his Diet Pepsi, will free them.
- 4. Why Is Nobody But The Last Five Consecutive Frontpage Posts Talking About Issue X? A clever, almost vampiric combination of 1, 2, and 3, above, this diary topic manages to declare that everyone is wrong or ignoring the issue without actually noticing that everyone else has been talking about the same issue for days.
MetaJesus is very forgiving of repeat diaries. They are inevitable, and in many cases, actually useful. However, creating a repeat diary that lambastes the rest of the community for ignoring your already-much-diaried diary topic causes MetaJesus to wonder if you're putting us on.
- 5. You Suck. Now Read Me, Bitches! Truly, nothing is more endearing than spending entire posts on your own website decrying how much DailyKos sucks, and how nobody should ever go to DailyKos, then crossposting everything else you write at DailyKos. This doesn't make MetaJesus cry so much as it makes him roll his eyes and wonder about finally taking that job his dad suggested in Indiana driving tourists around to see the various stains on freeway underpasses that look kinda like emoticons.
There's nothing wrong with criticizing DailyKos, mind you. It's a huge community, with many members that personally suck -- don't try to hide it. I know. But if you're going to spend time on your site specifically telling people to not come to our site, then post a continual stream of crossposts on our site linking people to your site, MetaJesus reserves the right to wonder if your brain is on straight.
It's like a dog under the kitchen table who can't decide what to do with your leg, since you're not looking and he's right there and all. Maybe it will be something good. Maybe it will be something bad. Odds are, it's going to surprise the hell out of you, causing you to twitch violently, bang your leg on the crossbar underneath the table, making all the plates jump an inch into the air and knocking every single water glass over. And then there will be swearing.
MetaJesus' lesson for you: whether you're biting our legs or humping them, just try to be a little consistent, will you? Nobody likes gravy in their lap.
Well, I suppose the dog would, but this metaphor is already threatening to leak out the crack in your monitor between the screen itself and the ever-so-boldly technodesigned plastic casing, ready to jump and throttle the part of your brain that used to appreciate such imagery. Don't blame me, it's your own brain's fault for not putting up a defensive wall the minute I said "dog" and "leg".
- 6. MetaDiaries Let's face it, nobody likes MetaDiaries. Nothing makes MetaJesus cry more than creating a MetaDiary, talking about MetaIssues like MetaArmandoism. People who create MetaDiaries are truly sad, lonely people. People who comment on them are typically even worse. And yet, here we are. May MetaJesus bless us and degauss our spirits as needed.
