Showing bold leadership, President Bush today surveyed the wreckage of Hurricane Katrina. Visiting with May Jackson, a woman who lost her hearing aid among many other things, he responded to her complaint that she could not hear him by saying, "Well I can hear you. And when I find out who's responsible for this hurricane, they're going to hear from all of us soon enough!"
When informed the hurricane was an "act of God," Bush replied, "I know that. I'm the President. Don't you think I know that? And this act of God will not stand. Let us begin a new War on God."
How will America fight this new war?
"First," Bush vowed, "we will cut taxes for all Americans earning over $500,000/year. Jesus, who was God, told the rich to give their goods to the poor. By making the rich richer, America will show God that we will not bow to His will. Any more hurricanes and we will line up the poor to be shot."
This, Bush says, will be only one step in the War on God. "Jesus said not to judge people. He preached forgiveness. We will lock up criminals for even the smallest offenses until America has the highest incarceration rate in the industrialized world." Informed that America had already accomplished that, Bush boasted, "That just shows I'm ahead of schedule. But you ain't seen nothing yet."
Other steps in the war? "We will use the tax money of poor people to fill the schools with abstinence only sex education. This will spread ignorance and increase unplanned births, especially in the most Christian and most impoverished areas, leading to more poverty, more children growing up unwanted, and more crime throughout our worst cities. This will be a sacrifice, but it's one I'm willing to make. Most importantly, it will teach God a lesson.
"Furthermore, we will teach creationism, I mean Intelligent Design, in our schools. God gave us minds and the tools to create science and learn the truth about His creation. When we turn our backs on that "gift," God will be sorry he ever bothered to give us brains. This will show Him who's boss.
"Any more agressive acts of God," Bush vowed, "and I'll tell Condi to locate weapons of mass distruction in more countries. We'll see how long God wants to carry on with this."