Cross-posted at
Politics and Letters.
So, apparently, emperor penguins are the new signifier of so-called traditional family values. Seriously. According to the New York Times, the Christian right has enthusiastically embraced the film "March of the Penguins" as an inspiring piece of entertainment that demonstrates the types of values we should all aspire to. As conservative radio host Michael Medved is quoted as saying, "March of the Penguins... is the motion picture this summer that most passionately affirms traditional norms like monogamy, sacrifice and child rearing." Who would have thought? Penguins rule!
My first thought on hearing all this? "Well, of course. Penguins all look exactly alike. So of course they love them. Plus, penguins like to march in straight lines. And they probably all carry their I.D. when they go out of the house. So yes, that makes a certain amount of sense." But then, upon further reflection, I started to realize just how weird this whole let's-emulate-penguin-values thing really is. Forget the fact that it is just plain bizarre to celebrate short, fat birds whose sole food consists of raw fish as some sort of model for human behavior - after all, I'm not the best looking guy myself, and I do occasionally enjoy a bit of sushi when I'm trying to put the moves on someone. No, what's weird about this whole thing is that even if you do accept the idea that that we should all act like squat little birds I see no reason why this particular species deserves our attention. Yes, they keep their appearance rather tidy. So I guess I can sort of see the appeal in that area. But in almost every other way I can think of it just doesn't seem reasonable to model ourselves after these creatures.
I mean, first of all, they are penguins. They are short and fat, as I mentioned above. No harm in that. But they are also, well, oily. And they never shower. Or, for that matter, brush their teeth. I know this appeals to some people - many of my friends, in fact - but as a generalized rule I just don't think it makes a lot of sense.
More importantly, these are not exactly empowered citizens. They are trapped in their environment, for goodness' sake, and they can't seem to do anything about it. Isn't the whole point of conservatism supposed to be a celebration of lifting yourself up by the bootstraps, being in control of your own destiny, and all that? The penguins aren't doing too well on that score, are they? You think they enjoy marching back and forth in the arctic weather, freezing to death? Don't be silly. Given the choice, I expect they'd all rather order takeout, crash somewhere warm, and wait for the eggs to take care of themselves. But no, they just aren't up to it. They are actually kind of pitiful, if you think about it, and while people - or penguins - doing what they need to do in order to avoid freezing to death is generally a positive thing, I'm not sure it is really something we should be striving to emulate. After all, I don't see anyone arguing that we should all be imitating the person who jumps out of the path of an oncoming vehicle at the last moment. So what's up with emulating shivering birds? For anyone who disagrees, I suggest you move to Antarctica and see how it actually feels to cuddle up with a big mass of cold, smelly penguins. I can tell you from personal experience that it is not pleasant. If I ever have children one of the first things I'm going to tell them is this: "Try to avoid being caught in a blizzard in Antarctica. You don't want to end up like those birds in that damn film."
Second, I'm a bit concerned about the idea that anyone would want to model their behavior on the sexual norms of these animals. Apparently, one of the draws of the film for the Christian right is that it presents an inspiring story of monogamy and parental dedication to the young. According to the Times, for example, Rich Lowry, the editor of National Review, told a group of young conservatives that "penguins are the really ideal example of monogamy. These things - the dedication of these birds is just amazing." Hmmm. Guess I missed that part. The film I saw told a story about serial monogamy and dedication to eggs, not young penguins. Emperor penguins only mate for one season at a time, and once the season is over all bets are off. As soon as they get horny again they immediately start running around looking for someone new to shack up with. Hardly a model for a stable family environment for us humans - though, perhaps, one that would avoid some of the problems associated with marriages that sometimes stretch on into the decades. (Like becoming overly familiar with your spouses' grooming habits, for example.)
As for their dedicated parenting, well, yes, they show a great deal of perseverance marching back and forth across the arctic tundra in search of food and warmth (not to mention sex). And yes, they seem exceptionally dedicated to their new born eggs - the males almost starve themselves to death keeping the little things warm while the mothers trudge back to the ocean to get some fish, for example. But once the eggs hatch things get a little more dicey. For one thing, they feed the babies with regurgitated food they spit up out of their mouths. How friendly is that? And then the parents insist on sitting on the poor little things for extended periods of time - probably to avoid having to clean up after them when they start crawling around pooping. Personally, I'm really, really glad my mother didn't do that to me when I was young - although I suppose if she had been a short, fat, oily bird it might not have been so bad.
However, the worst part of all this is the fact that the much celebrated parental-penguin dedication doesn't last very long. No sir. Soon after hatching the little penguins are left to fend for themselves against the forces of nature. Meanwhile, the parents march back to the ocean and start swimming around in the water chasing more fish. Most of the little ones make it back to the water ok, but not an insignificant number freeze to death, get picked off by predators, or otherwise meet their maker in an untimely fashion. I'd say it pretty much sucks to be a little penguin, wouldn't you? Some of this is pretty distressing to watch, by the way, and I don't really recommend bringing small children to see this film. They'll have nightmares about their parents leaving them alone in a snow bank to die. One particularly disturbing scene shows a cute little penguin trying to avoid getting eaten by some sort of nasty bird of prey. (I think it was a bird of prey - it might have been some other type of predator. I blocked it out so as not to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.) While watching the little penguin running around desperately I kept thinking "Where's the parents? Where's the parents?" I almost dropped my popcorn I was so upset. Is this really the kind of behavior we want to be encouraging? Abandoning your children to get eaten while you run off for a quick dip in the pool?
I'm not really sure what it says about our culture that a significant number of people have started modeling their own lives after the behavior of penguins. I suppose it could be a good sign - after all, there are plenty of other wildlife documentaries that they could have chosen, ones that probably depict even less appealing forms of behavior. I guess I'd rather have people acting like penguins than, say, tarantulas. Ever see that film Microcosmos? Its all about insects. Its got really great photography and all - but, you know, if you really start thinking about it insect behavior is pretty damn disturbing. I hope Rich Lowry doesn't get his hands on it.