Yesterday's interesting and thought-provoking
diary by just another vet really got me to questioning my role, as a man, in the abortion issue. Not the question of whether or not it should be legal. It should. I'm clear on that. The question I'm pondering is the one raised by JAV:
First of all, since it does take two people to get a woman pregnant, does the man have any say in what happens?
This is a very tough question, and one that I am glad to be discussing. Fortunately, while I have had a couple of scares, I have never faced an unexpected pregnancy. But if I did, what would my responsibilities be? What would my rights as the father be? The more I thought about this, the more I realized that I needed an answer to this, if only for myself.
Since I'm a guy, I'm sure my viewpoint will skew towards the male-o-centric. I'm hoping some of the brilliant female minds of dKos will smack me upside the head (politely, of course) when I get out of line.
In this diary, I've tried to approach this question as unemotionally as I can. I'm not trying to downplay its seriousness. Instead, by using mathematical logic and my own unique brand of semi-flippant conversational tone, I'm trying to ease under the hardened layers of raw emotion we've all built up around this topic, and get to the heart of the matter. I apologize in advance if my tone is offensive.
So, as I see it, there are two main components to this question, which I'm going to define as Responsibility and Rights. Here's how I think they break down:
Responsibility: 50% Her, 50% Him
First of all, what do I mean by responsibility? I'm not talking about who gets to decide what to do about the pregnancy. We'll get to that in a bit. What I'm talking about here is each person's role in dealing with that decision. In most cases, that responsibility should be evenly split. If the couple chooses an abortion, for example, the two split the costs. If the couple chooses to keep the child, they each bear equal responsibility for raising the baby.
This seems fairly straightforward to me. Basically, anyone engaging in hetero sex (unless they're extremely developmentally disabled or something) knows that, despite whatever birth control methods they're using, they might get pregnant. So, everyone is equally responsible when it happens. Most of the time.
Of course, I can think of a couple of extenuating circumstances that would change this ratio.
Coercion
In cases of rape, incest, or sex with minors, the victim can not be held responsible for the consequences. End of story. This is going to come out sounding kind of glib, but I pretty much ascribe to the Pottery Barn Rule here - You break it, you bought it. I know that's a bit crass, but it's the simplest way to explain it. If you engage in non-censual sex, you are 100% responsible for any pregnancy that happens. And, while I've been trying to stay gender-neutral here, let's face it, this is almost exclusively the man's domain. While there have been cases of women coercing men into sex, they are exceedingly rare compared to the reverse situation.
Now, how exactly do you define coercion? That's a little trickier. I'm not sure. In the course of human history, a lot of guys have put a lot of pressure on a lot of girls for sex. At what point does this pressure cross the line? If a man lures a woman into bed with false promises, then splits town after the act, does that count as coercion? When is the woman no longer responsible? That's a contentious one, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.
Deception
And here, I'm not talking about the lies we tell each other to get into bed, or the lies we tell each other while in bed. Those are a dime a dozen. I'm talking about a specific kind of lie. And this is where I'm going to get into trouble.
In the comments to JAV's diary, saucy monkey related a story of a couple who had been together for years. She wanted kids. He didn't. She was on the pill, and yet she ended up pregnant. To be fair, saucy monkey didn't know for sure whether she intentionally went off the pill, or if her birth control failed. But let's assume, for the sake of argument, that it was intentional, because it certainly wouldn't be the first time something like this happened. Is the guy in the story relieved of all responsibility? No. As stated above, we all know pregnancy is a possible side effect of sex (especially sex without a condom), and we all sign up for the potential consequences when we do it.
I do think he is relieved of some responsibility, though. Or, rather, I think she has assumed more of the responsibility by willfully increasing her chances of getting pregnant. I see this ratio changing to 75% her, 25% him. I know not everyone will agree with me on this one, but for some reason I found myself getting really worked up about this kind of case. I just think if you deliberately mislead your partner about the chances of pregnancy, you deal with the consequences. Most commenters in that thread seemed to disagree with me on that one. If you disagree, please explain, because I'm having trouble getting it.
Here's another way of looking at it. Just as rape and coercion are primarily perpetrated by men, this kind of deception is primarily perpetrated by women. This isn't because women are more deceptive or manipulative or any kind of crap like that. It's logistics. Women can lie about birth control much more easily than men. I'm sure some women have been lured into bed by guys claiming vasectomies, but I don't think it's as common. Now, if male birth control ever becomes widely available, that will change everything. Guys will be lying their booties off saying they're on the pill, and any resulting pregnancies would be 75% his responsibility, 25% hers. In my opinion, of course.
Rights: 75% Her, 25% Him
So, she's pregnant. Who gets to decide what happens now? A lot of posters have said that this decision is entirely up to the woman. To a certain extent, I agree. It is her body that will be taken over for nine months. And, even though I've assigned 50% of the responsibility to the guy, God knows that tons of guys don't live up to that. He can walk away from the situation. She can't. But, as a guy, it's hard for me to accept the idea that I would have no say whatsoever in what happens to my child. If I am 50% responsible for this child, don't I have some rights, too?
The 75/25 rule is a compromise position. Basically, I think of it like a Senate vote. Since she's got the majority, she gets to call the shots. He can vote against it, and he can be quite the vocal minority if he wants, but ultimately, it's her call. One female commenter, which I annoyingly can't find anymore, put it something like this: "I will listen respectfully to his opinion, and take it into consideration when making my decision".
Given the circumstances, I think that's the best us guys can hope for. In fact, I think we have to behave pretty darn well to even earn that much. In cases of coercion, we lose our 25%. If we don't live up to our 50% responsibility, we lose our 25%. That 25% is only for the guys that follow the rules.
What does this all mean?
Yeah, I don't know either. There are no enforcable policy recommendations here. Most of this just isn't realistic. How could you prove 'deception' in court? Or just look at my last paragraph. I say that guys have to live up to our 50% responsibility in order to keep our 25% right to say what happens. Which makes no sense, since you can only take responsibility for a decision after it is made. I'm sure you'll find plenty of other inconsistencies.
I guess what I'm coming up with here is a philosophy, not a policy. But wouldn't it be great if we could enforce some of this? If we could somehow define what 25% responsibility would entail? If `negligent fatherhood' was a jailable felony? That would certainly keep some Johnsons back snugly in their BVDs where they belong. Maybe defining the ideal rules of the game can help us define, as a society, what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
All I know is that, for me, working through the issue in this way has helped me clarify my own philosophical position on reproductive rights. Do you have a better idea? Please, let me know. I want to keep this discussion open.