Scene: A windowless room far beneath the White House. The only furniture, a long conference table surrounded by very non-ergonomic chairs. The only decor, a large electoral map of the United States, with a red lipstick heart drawn over Florida.
Cast:
Karl Rove
Karen Hughes
Ed Gillespie
Matt Drudge
Wolf Blitzer
and The Spinning, Pea-Soup-Vomiting Head of Ann Coulter as itself
[Crosstalk.]
ROVE: All right, everyone sit down and shut up, the Vice-President and Chief Justice need this room in an hour...
ROVE: We have a crisis. Kerry released his military records and there's no smoking gun.
HUGHES: We suck.
BLITZER: Maybe the smoking gun is in the form of a mushroom cloud?
HUGHES: Nice try. We suck so bad.
ROVE: How did we fail to see this coming? It looks like the son of a bitch actually is a war hero. He didn't even come down with a case of the clap.
HUGHES: Which is more than I can say for some people we know.
DRUDGE: Hey!
GILLESPIE: I really thought there had to be something to that Purple Heart shit. I mean, it isn't like he got his arms and legs blown off.
ROVE: That I could work with. Do the words "Senator Saxby Chambliss" mean nothing to you?
GILLESPIE: Point. The problem is, we made sure our call for the records was spread through the press--thanks for that, by the way--
BLITZER: Ain't no thing but a chicken wing.
GILLESPIE: --And now we look like a bunch of pikers, and Kerry gets a lot of free press as the super officer.
HUGHES: We're swimming in sewage here, you guys. Before this, the Jane Fonda thing didn't pan out, the sex scandal didn't pan out--Matt, what the hell was that about, anyway? You used to be a lot more creative.
DRUDGE: Is it my fault girls don't save the stained dresses anymore?
HUGHES: Christ, this is supposed to be a lunch meeting.
ROVE: All right, so Kerry's proven that he was chasing down the VC and kicking ass, while our guy was chasing Jagermeister with lines of Colombia's finest. How can we spin our way out of this one?
BLITZER: Accuse him of committing war crimes?
ROVE: Won't work; the vice president's on the record in favor of war crimes.
GILLESPIE: Attack him for protesting the war after he came back?
ROVE: Yeah, we got that Nixon guy out there. Unfortunately, most Americans agree with Kerry that Vietnam was a huge clusterfuck.
GILLESPIE: Damn hippies.
HUGHES: Have we given any thought to...just making some crap up?
ROVE: Now you're talking my language.
HUGHES: How about this: Kerry went into combat just because he wanted to be president. He exaggerated the wound he had to get the Purple Heart. If he really cared about defense of this country he'd re-up and ship over to Iraq.
GILLESPIE: This is gold, how do you come up with this?
HUGHES: I wrote a book portraying Bush as thoughtful. I can do anything.
ROVE: All right, this is our new message. How's it going to sound on the evening news, Wolf?
BLITZER: I... can't do the voice without a camera.
ROVE: Ed?
[Gillespie rolls up a piece of paper and holds it to his eye. Blitzer sits up straight and stares into the imaginary lens.]
BLITZER: ...Calculated combat! Should John Kerry support our troops? In person? We'll talk to the experts... this hour... on CNN!
HUGHES: I can live with that.
BLITZER: And! Michael Jackson...indicted...will he testify? Johnnie Cochran weighs in... after these headlines.
ROVE: [sighs] Ed.
[Gillespie puts down the paper tube. Blitzer relaxes into his chair.]
ROVE: Matt? See if you can find any photos of Kerry's so-called shrapnel wounds.
DRUDGE: Yes, sir!
ROVE: Not the ones on his ass, Matt.
DRUDGE: Oh.
HUGHES: Listening to this guy is better than the South Beach diet.
GILLESPIE: One problem. Won't attacking Kerry's patriotism really tick off the other vets in the Senate, like McCain? We don't want to rally people behind him.
ROVE: Damn it, you're right. We'll have to pull out the secret weapon.
HUGHES: You don't mean...
ROVE: I'm afraid it's time.
[Rove presses a button in the tabletop. A panel of the wall slides aside to reveal....]
THE HEAD OF ANN COULTER: Kill 'em all and let Allah sort it out! Only queers vote! [Spins.] Your candidate sucks cocks in hell!
DRUDGE: I think I'm in love.
HUGHES: Don't you think she'll alienate some of our core constituents? After all, our research shows that Americans don't like vitriol--they like their leaders to seem responsible, thoughtful, and compassionate.
[Beat.]
ROVE: Ha!
HUGHES, GILLESPIE, BLITZER: Hahaha!
DRUDGE: Tee hee!
HEAD OF COULTER: Ha! [Spews pea soup.]
DRUDGE: Damn, this was a new fedora.
ROVE: It looks like we're done here--unless there's any new business?
GILLESPIE: I'll make sure everyone has the talking points.
ROVE: Don't forget to CC Prince Bandar.
DRUDGE: I'll go crank up the fifty-five point font.
BLITZER: I have to go do some impartial research to prepare for my evening broadcast.
[Beat.]
BLITZER: Ha!
ROVE: Funny once, Wolf, not so funny twice.
[Exit GILLESPIE, BLITZER, DRUDGE.]
HEAD OF COULTER: Richard Nixon's in here with us, Karl. Would you like to leave him a message? I'll see that he gets it.
[Rove presses the button that conceals the Head.]
ROVE: Sometimes even I think there's a limit to vulgarity and abuse of in power.
HUGHES: Everyone's a comedian. Now let's go talk Condi down; I'm afraid she's started picking out china patterns...
[Exeunt.]