The unfortunate shit storm of bad news coming from the right seems to be flying so fast and furious that it's often difficult for the average Kossack (if there is such a thing) to track all the
Republican scandals, indictments, policy missteps, mugshots, fashion abuses and idiotic rhetoric without one's head spinning off and exploding in mid-air like a clay pigeon.
Even more difficult is the task of determining what it all means to our chances of winning back the House and/or Senate this November. So this highly-scientific, exhaustively-researched scorecard has been developed to help you follow each Republican fuck-up, and each incremental Democratic victory, all the way through to the end game on November 7th.
Beware: this is an extremely powerful tool, developed in cooperation with acclaimed international mathematicians, my elderly neighbor Gert (the Sudoku champion of her Bridge to Nowhere Club) and the surviving members of Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Network. This astounding scoring system should not be used by minors, miners, majors, or majorettes. Improper usage may result in diarrhea, dry mouth, abdominal pain, bad hair days, embarrassing flatulence and in rare cases, severe partisanship.
In his glowing Field & Stream review of this revolutionary scoring system, renowned statistician and Vegas performer Barry Manilow wrote:
I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song. I put the words and the melody together. I am music, and I write the songs.
(Paid celebrity endorsement)
Print off this proven scoring system. Hang it on your refrigerator, or in front of whichever toilet you sit on while blogging. Keep your scores up to date daily. And by November, your point system will accurately predict the winner of the midterm elections.
□ For each day that Keith Olbermann is on the air, add 15,723 (D) points
□ For each indictment of a high-ranking Republican official, subtract 39,811 (R) points
□ For every dollar of her father's fortune spent by Katherine Harris in her misguided and ill-fated Senate bid, add 2,970 (D) points
□ For each news conference by Patrick Fitzgerald, add 1 bottle of Bacardi and 839,041 (D) points
□ White House resignations are scored as follows: Karl Rove, subtract a bazillion (R) points; John Snow, subtract today's national debt; Stephen Hadley, subtract 14 points; Dick Cheney, add 666,666,666 (D) points; and Harriet Miers, subtract 0.069 (R) points
□ For every word spoken, thought or written by Russ Feingold, add 44,094 (D) points
□ For every hurricane that makes U.S. landfall, subtract from (R) an amount equal to pi times the wind speed of the storm, squared
□ For each Homeland Security official with a sick mind, an erection and an internet connection, add 385,077 (D) points
□ For every Washington Post headline that begins with the words "Bush Defends...", subtract 7,392 (R) points (this will add up fast!)
□ For each abuse of the English language by George W. Bush, add 49 (D) points, a good late night joke, 3 cloves of garlic, a cup of Jack Daniels and a half stick of melted butter
□ For each day that Rep. Jean Schmidt does not appear on "Queer Eye for the Congressional Bitch," subtract 55,408 Ohio (R) points
□ For every well-articulated Democratic idea not requiring camera time with Nancy Pelosi, add 1 (D) point
□ For each time the words "civil war" are uttered anywhere other than the History Channel, subtract 55,710,433.06 (R) points
□ For every Republican that you personally convert to the bright side, add 22,084 (D) points
□ Each time Scooter Libby opens his mouth and "Dick" comes out, subtract 21,599 (R) points
□ For any new military action initiated in the Middle East by George W. Bush, preemptive or otherwise, subtract 16 (R) House seats.
And finally...
□ For each time you link to, comment in, tip for, or recommend this diary, multiply all cumulative points by the number of dollars spent on the war in Iraq.
By my count, today's score is +3,077,922,841 for the good guys.