In George Bush's America, we are all supposed to be owners of our fates. We are to own our retirement accounts, act like the people running corporations and make our money grow. We are all supposed to be in control of our own destiny. Sadly, life often intrudes on well laid plans. Around Thanksgiving I put up a diary that was part scream for help, part frustration, part knowing when the impossible had met the difficult and impossible had won. The wonderful people here at the Daily Kos responded. And I am grateful. A little update is in order, where if the gratitude is not evident, then shame on me. From the suggestions received, I got a long list of things to do, and a lot to be thankful about. And the saga of disability goes on. Your thoughts made me think and better times are going to be ahead. Or else.
To all here at the Daily Kos, thank you. My blogging version of a cry for help was answered, and not with an echo.
A little refresher. I am a violinist. Because I didn't have the money at the time, the left knee went out, I fell and the distance was over a retaining wall onto the sidewalk. The knee should have been fixed a year before it was finally repaired, a week after the second hand surgery. Right after the horses left the barn, I got that knee repaired. Which was shortly after I shattered my left wrist. This was not a good thing.
As a result of that earlier post I learned something about the human spirit. Or discovered what I had forgotten. Humans are a stubborn, inventive, witty, persuasive lot. We are engineered it seems to prevail over adversity.
The past two-plus years have been filled with surgery and more physical therapy than I care to think about. The bills are sky high. My income is non-existant. My nerves are frayed and my schedule is shot to hell because of pain. Plus, one more person telling me that I will be better in weeks is going to watch a real human melt down, like the Wicked Witch without a rainstorm.
Social Security still thinks that I will be back to playing hours a day in no time. After all a fracture heals, right? Wrong. My bones aren't even completely knitted together yet. I might be able to play, but it won't be anytime soon. And it likely won't be a full concert and rehearsal schedule for a long long time.
So, the action on my disability claim is sort of wallowing in that governmental never-never land. The frustration with delay compounded by lost files, bound together with nothing can be done right now is frankly maddening.
This community responded. And helped a lot with their words.
The 'get off your can and do something' posts were helpful. Once I got past the indignation that was, falsely, trying to convince me that depression wasn't part of my life, I understood better what to do. Step one was get help, and I did. Step two was continue to seek help, which I am doing. The real step was admitting the kick in the behind parts was needed.
Other hints were also gems. I am looking into transcription software, which seems to come in about 87 different configurations. That would be for one brand only. So, no purchases yet. I am closing in on success. To all suggestions about this tool, I thank you. Test drives of software begin next week.
The majority of suggestions were concentrated in the 'you're not alone' category. For me, those words were worth gold. Recovery from a probably career ending injury is a very isolating experience. We are so often what we do. Inability in the "do" category leads to depression, which leads to isolation, which leads to more, yada, yada, yada. The alone part is tough.
I have not given up on my violin. That oddly shaped little wooden box is where my soul takes flight. I am firmly in the Bach camp where playing a violin is communion. Please don't let the religious right read this. I'm not ready for the pillory yet.
The one thing that I do know I must do is find some meaningful work. The software suggestion got me thinking about writing again. Which got me thinking about a little trick I used to use when working with some of the lowest, amoral creatures on earth. That would be lawyers.
I got into the lawyering business after the first supposed career ending accident. That was a head on collision at 45 mph and the seat belt injury kept me away from my beloved violin for several years. I passed the bar, got the violin back in my bones after numerous surgeries, and got back on the stage. Time for a repeat. That chapter is being rewritten.
What was the trick with the lawyers? Simple. After a difficult day in the trenches looking for, and rarely finding, justice, I developed a strategy. A perfect plan. I simply went home, wrote out a way to kill off the offending member of the human race, fixed a cup of tea, and got the violin out for 3 hours of playing and working my way out of Attorney-land.
The writing part, because of the left hand, and now the right (carpal tunnel is imminent), may require a small re-think on this. But the ideas are rolling around in my brain pan, and I believe success is at hand. Or homicide. On paper only. [Did the wiretappers get that? On Paper Only.] No real bodies, no real blood. No real poisons, no electrical accidents, no swan dives off bridges. Just thoughts, paper and you know the result must be there.
The tutoring issue, brought up by many is under serious consideration. I live near a college. My problem is that with the depression sinking me too often, I am worried about consistency. I am also concerned about clear thinking as the brain circuits seem, to me, to short circuit when the blues are darkest.
In any event, the tutoring issue has caused me to do some studying so as to get my moxie back in the academic area.
As for practicing law, that is a real non-starter. There was a big mistake made on a client's file, which I never admitted to, and wouldn't admit to even now. The result though is no malpractice insurance is possible. So no practice of law. Which is a good thing as I've been away from law for so long I'd have to go to law school just to get back even a third of what I've forgotten.
As for teaching in a school, I am organizing what I can so that I might get credentials without years of schooling. I was one of those teachers who learned well, and taught well. Plus, I never took the education courses, and my state is credential crazy at present. But the wheels are moving on this bus.
So, for all who offered help, thank you. When I get really bogged down, or I am screaming because my wrist is so bad it is unbearable, I think of the words that lifted me up. Thank you. And now, as I down extra pain meds because of writing this, I will think of the great amount of help that is available if we only ask. I cannot express how much the people here at Daily Kos have enriched my life and made many days easier. Not just with direct help for my request. The greatest help is the wit, intelligence and thought that is such a gift to all of us as we read diaries, posts, comments and wisdom available here,24/7. Thank you. And Happy New Year.