Washington, D.C. - Jan. 28, 2006 - Thomas Wilburn just scored the biggest payday of his life. The unemployed 28-year-old telemarketer from Scarborough, Maine, sold Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) the Brooklyn Bridge for $150,000, according to several eyewitnesses.
"I didn't think he would go for it," said Wilburn. "I mean, the deed was handwritten on notebook paper, for Christ's sake.
"But after I read that Senator Byrd actually believed that (Supreme Court nominee) Sam Alito was a man of his word and trusted him not to support a power-hungry president, I had a feeling the Senator might be interested in a prime piece of real estate like the Brooklyn Bridge."
Wilburn laughed aloud, adding, "I mean, even Joe Lieberman doesn't trust Sam Alito."
The sale was made Friday afternoon on the steps of the Capitol. Wilburn approached the gray-haired West Virginia Democrat and made his sales pitch. With little deliberation Byrd enthusiastically accepted the deal, took the deed from Wilburn and proffered a check for $150,000 on the spot.
"Jackpot," Wilburn added. "Now I can finally pay off my student loans to Southern Maine Junior College."
In 2004, Senator Byrd, the eldest member of Congress at 88, published Losing America: Confronting a Reckless and Arrogant Presidency. Sources could not immediately confirm how supporting the lifetime appointment of a neo-fascist justice to the Supreme Court qualifies as confronting a reckless and arrogant president.
Byrd's office could not be reached for comment. Unconfirmed reports place Byrd in New York Saturday morning, vehemently urging city officials "not to piddle diddle and give me my Goddamned bridge, you ugly mud dobbers!"
(This kind of silliness and satire will soon be available at The American Factotum. Repeat: the preceding diary entry was satire.)