This diary is a response to some misinformed posters who have made the outrageous claim that the Speaker of the House, former high school wrestling coach and gravity sink Dennis Hastert, is gay.
On the contrary, the Speaker is happily married, and who would know the sexual predilections of the Speaker better than the lucky lady who shares his bed during the brief intervals he spends away from Washington?
According to friends, when she was specifically asked about their sex life, she blushed and muttered under her breath she gets 'all I can stand', followed by an uncontrolled shudder that most of those present interpreted as anticipation of his next homecoming.
While it's true that Speaker Hastert lives with his chief of staff, Scott Palmer, who is openly gay, and whom Hastert always introduces with the oddly phrased title, "the chief of my staff", this is just an affectionate joke, which needs a little back story to be understood.
You see, Hastert is famous among gay Republicans for his freakishly small penis, and also because he allows his chief of staff to orally service him as a way of unwinding after work.
Palmer uses a specially designed hydraulic jack to accomplish this, which raises Hastert's stomach high enough to allow access to his member. While the actual act takes less than a minute, Palmer also takes the time to swab the recesses of Hastert's enormous folds of fat with a gasoline-soaked rag on a stick. This is to disinfect the patches of fungus that grow in these dark and humid areas. He does this daily.
This jack was designed by Ace Hydraulics of Evanston, and was presented to Hastert in gratitude for a special earmark he steered their way after he became Speaker.
These fungal growths have plagued Hastert for many years, causing much irritation, and causing him to stoop when he walks, so in addition to the daily swabbings, Palmer also scrapes the entire epidermis bi-monthly using a special rack equipped with C-clamps and No. 9 fish hooks.
He uses a modified windshield scraper and Methyl-Ethyl Ketone (MEK) for the entire operation, which takes about two hours and is done by candlelight to provide a more relaxing atmosphere for the gruesome ordeal. This rack is kept in a closet behind the Speaker's desk.
As to the other rumours, (I refuse to link to them) - Sorry, scandalmongers, the young man in question is NOT Denny's 'boyfriend'.
He is simply a 16 year old runaway the Speaker is helping through a bad time. Any therapist can tell you that for someone at that age with 'very low self-esteem' and 'a lot of boundary issues', the best thing to have is a mentor or role model like a powerful Congressman.
The young man in question, (BTW - to all you witch hunters out there - the age of consent in DC is 16)is also NOT Gay, and when someone personally known to someone I know asked about his 'orientation' he specifically said, and I quote exactly:
"I'm hungry and I need a place to crash, OK? Whatever..."
So there is no scandal here, and we only embarass ourselves by looking for one.
On the other hand, I do have one small piece of gossip, even though I normally don't dish.
Scott Palmer is so busy that even though he is gay and out, he doesn't have time for any kind of social life. So twice a week he trysts with a homeless man that sleeps on a grate outside the Rayburn office building.
He pays the man five dollars for this, and the weird part is, that after they have bum sex behind a dumpster, he always demands a receipt, which he takes back to his office and files under 'postage'. Some professional investigator type person should investigate this because it might be against House ethics rules.
I say professional because someone I know who is not a professional investigator type but just a nosy person asked this homeless guy about Palmer, and he just started throwing up on himself and screaming.
It's also a known fact that when the guy tried to stop these trysts, saying "I'd rather get sober", and throwing nickels through the window of the House cloakroom, Palmer used his influence to have the hot air on that sidewalk grate turned off, in order to pressure him. This may also be against House ethics rules, or workplace harrassment, or something. I only know it's not right, man, and somebody should do something about it.
These are all true facts.
Finally, please address all complaints to the commenter who demanded this original comment be diaried. I know his name but withhold it because I don't deal in innuendo.
