One of the benefits of having had children very early in life, is that I get to extend my own childhood a little longer. Other than an awkward interlude brought about by the onset of puberty, I have not had to give up playing with toys. Even better, I have the benefit of age and experience when it comes to buying toys. I have a fairly good eye, and can at least attempt to steer my kids away from toys that I know from experience are craptastic. I grew up in the age of Reagan, as the Cold War was burning itself out. I grew up with Chuck Norris's films, in the days of Rambo III, when the height of cinematic acheivement seemed to be Schwarzenegger's venerable Commando. And the toys ? I was loaded for bear. I had a brigade of G.I. Joes for playing inside, and an arsenal of very realistic toy guns . So, am I a product of my childhood, i.e. a para-military commando in a state of constant war with Communist Russian drug runners ? Do I spend my spare time rescuing long lost POWs? Short answer, No. I'm essentially a pacifist. Follow me below the fold.
My eight year old son wants this R/C car for christmas. He says " It's so cool, it has a camera on it so you can spy on people, can I have it please ? Please ? " Oh, cruel irony. I say, " we'll see." The truth is I don't want to buy him the damn spy car, and I don't know why. But the thing is, I do know why, and the why borders on crazy. I am sick and damn tired of feeling like I'm being watched. So I put on the trusty tin-foil body condom, and I try to deduce the ways in which the Government might recruit and reward a brigade of eight year old super spies. The answer comes in a moment of brilliant white-light clarity. They bring in the big dog, the real big dog, Santa.
This year the elves have taken care of everything for little spies to be. Everything from laser trip wires, to listening devices, to voice scramblers. Have a look here to check out all the latest gear.
Now, I had a toy gun arsenal that would have terrified any little Russian children that happened to wonder into my sleepy neighboorhood, but it was nothing compared to the ordinance Santa's packing this year.
These are serious toys, and only the very best of children will get their hands on these. A note to you neo-cons out there, if you don't believe in Santa he will not come. But not to worry, these fine toys are available at the retail level, if you can afford them. See here. Of course, all of the poor children who might actually need to start early preparing for the future, can't afford these, but Santa and Socom Toys have got them covered.
Not without my daughter ! Of course not, Santa has something extra special for the girls. Alas, Barbie. The dream is over.
The luxury dream house is now a forward command post. What can I say, even make-believe is tough. Many retailers no longer carry this item, but enterprising elves can still come by these, at least as easily as a Playstation 3.
Ominous Black Friday is tomorrow. Remember, it is up to you (and Santa) to carefully consider the gifts you give to youngsters. While you are thinking on it, I'll leave you with the words of songwriter Roy Zimmerman.
Buy War Toys for Christmas
words and music by Roy Zimmerman and Melanie Harby
© 1990 Watunes (BMI) Motaters Music (ASCAP)
(From "PeaceNick")
Little Johnny Johnson wants an M-16
Sister Susie wants an Uzi and a submachine
Kids are making wishes and wartime strategies
Singing, "Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peace"
Buy war toys for Christmas, have a happy holiday
Santa traded in his red cap for a green beret
Teach those happy little children to be hellcats when they play
And have a very merry, military day
Janie wants the latest deadly laser gun
Little Tommy asked his mommy for his own B-1
Kids are dropping napalm on their Christmas trees
Singing, "Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peace"
Buy war toys for Christmas have a happy holiday
Santa knows the missile toes the line in every way
Teach those happy little children to be hellcats when they play
And have a very merry, military day
We've all got our fingers crossed for another Cold War frost
Singing, "Oh by golly, let's be jolly, deck the holly-caust"