In the hottest news story of the day, Pastor Ted Haggard of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, a man known for his vociferous attacks on homosexuality and gay marriage, was revealed to have been paying a gay hooker for sex and using methamphetamines. No big surprise to anyone with a passing knowledge of hypocrisy in high places, right?
But to inject a note of humor into this story (as if it needed it), I refer you to an article posted at www.tedhaggard.com which profiles Pastor Ted as he was about to ascend to the Presidency of the National Association of Evangelicals. I've edited it down quote a bit and my comments are outside the quotes.
Wait for the punch line. It's priceless.
"Reality stems from pastor's Vision
Reprinted from the Colorado Springs Gazette (www.gazette.com)
By ERIC GORSKI"
"Ted Haggard sees things other people don't. He's seen angels and demons and blood on his hands. Sometimes, he sees things before they happen."
Me: Hmmm. Could have used some of that magic seeing power this week, eh?
"While fasting and praying 18 years ago on the side of Pikes Peak, Haggard envisioned the church that would become the largest in Colorado, where believers speak in tongues and do cartwheels because they love the Lord so much -- a place Haggard says he'll never leave."
Me: How those plans working out, Ted?
"Haggard believes God showed him these things and gave him New Life Church because God has a plan for Colorado Springs."
Me: You bet he does. And it apparently involves Astro-Glide.
"The plan involved calling Haggard, the sandy-haired son of an Indiana veterinarian, to become a pastor."
Me: And Haggard's plan involved calling a hot stud for some sweet dude-on-dude action.
"Haggard's mark in the city runs deep."
Me: Deeper than you think.
"His church, which boasts a $12 million budget and 140 employees, is imitated and envied."
Me: And desired. Don't forget about the desired part.
"Next summer, New Life will get bigger when it begins construction on a 6,400-seat, $19 million sanctuary the size of a Wal-Mart Supercenter."
Me: Ted's all about getting bigger.
"Haggard's influence reaches beyond Colorado Springs. In 1996, Christianity Today magazine named him one of 50 up-and-coming evangelical leaders younger than 40."
Me: I'm sorry. He's up and coming? Why you randy devil, you!
"Now 46, Haggard has the ear of prominent evangelicals such as Pat Robertson and Bill Bright."
Me: Just their ear?
"Haggard's profile will grow next year when he becomes chairman of the National Association of Evangelicals, which politicians consult to measure the concerns of conservative Christians."
Me: His profile ain't all that's growing... (This is just too easy, isn't it?)
"Haggard clearly has something, lots of things: a regular-guy personality, a conversational preaching style, an ad executive's marketing savvy, a drive that pushes him to pray at dawn and the kind of smile seen in a toothpaste commercial."
Me: Talk to me more about his purty, purty mouth.
"Haggard's vision as a pastor is grounded in his first memories of church, sitting in Delphi United Presbyterian Church with his three older brothers. The boys wore dark jackets, white shirts and clip-on ties."
Me: And leather chaps.
"Their mother, Rachel, used to count the days to Sunday, building excitement in her children."
Me: I...I can't. I just can't.
Okay, that's enough of that. Let's get to the punch line. Next up in the article, they do a brief bio on Pastor Ted, highlighting that he is a "Pig Farmer's Son." And therein lies the punch line. Get ready for it. It's better than you think:
"A place of rolling hills and woods, Delphi is a small town on the Wabash River in Indiana that once called itself the "junior pork-packing center of the West."
I mean, really. You can't make this stuff up.