Dear President Bush,
I must confess I did not vote for you and have even called you a liar and a monkey and a warmonger and a s#*%head and an a##hole and have thought bad thoughts about you many times.
Now I wish I could take it all back, because you have singlehandedly saved my life and the lives of my wife, son and two dogs, Nipsy and Russell.
You see, I live in Los Angeles. I learned today that evildoer terrorists were planning to put bombs in their shoes and get on an airplane, blow up their feet by the cockpit door, then crawl into the cockpit and karate chop the pilot and copilot and fly the plane right into that building downtown you called the Liberty Tower, but is actually the former Library Tower in Los Angeles, a 73-story building since renamed the US Bank Tower.
I don't know why you did not inform our mayor about this before you went on national TV to tell everyone but I'm sure you had your reasons.
Had this tragedy happened, I'm sure I would quite possibly have perished since I am often downtown looking for bargain footware and really good, yet cheap dim sum. How can I ever repay you?
Well, I'm going to start by supporting your administration's program to monitor--without court warrants--calls and e-mails between people overseas and in the U.S. you think might have bombs in their shoes or have accents or shifty eyes.
In the next new AP-Ipsos poll, you can count me among the 48 percent now support wiretapping without a warrant in cases of suspected communications with terrorists or men (or women) with heavy 5 o'clock shadows.
Lastly, I promise to stop making and promoting my car magnets for peace.
Since you personally saved my life, every time I look at them, I can see that in addition to sending a message of peace, they also are shooting a bird in your general direction, because the war in Iraq, like your wire-taps, is a necessary step to keep America safe from terrorists in Southeast Asia, Guam and parts of South Las Vegas in that area near the Fremont where I almost got mugged that time.
Anyhoo, thanks again, Big Chief of My Family's Safety. I know mine is just one of the millions of thank you letters you are getting today, so I'll let someone else pat you on the "what's that lump in your debate jacket" back.
May the Lord continue to bless you. You are the best thing to happen to our planet since the Big Bang (theory).
Sincerely,
Formerly Liberal in Los Angeles
p.s. Libby is a doody-head for tattling on you guys!