From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Osama Bin Laden:
10. Plans to release next threatening videotape in high-definition
9. In the seventies, had a gay fling with the blind sheikh
8. Secretly likes Kosher pickles
7. Middle name: Duane
6. Stole "Death to America" catchphrase from Fran Tarkenton
5. Got cave hooked up with Sirius so he can listen to Howard Stern
4. Knows all the words to the Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps"
3. After Colts loss to Steelers, declared jihad on Mike Vanderjagt
2. Has a bumper sticker that reads, "Don't blame me, I voted for Kerry"
1. The son-of-a-bitch is still alive
---Late Show with David Letterman
And whose fault is that, I wonder. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 7, 2006
Note: Alberto Gonzales's secret to beautiful hair? Prell. (Don't ask me how I know)
-
By the Numbers:
Days `til Valentine's Day: 7
Days `til Maine Maple Sunday: 47
Personal-savings rate in 2005: -0.5%
(Source: Time magazine)
Number of years between the Great Depression and 2005 when Americans spent more than they made: 0
Amount Americans will spend this year on "obesity industries," including medical treatments, and diet books: $315 Billion
(Source: Washington Post)
Amount of pounds that will be permanently shed because of them: 13
-
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: First in line at the Great Dane Wet Bar. (Nice grandpa lips, Junior)
-
CHEERS to the official nod of approval. After weighing the pros and, well, pros, C&J officially throws its considerable weight behind Ciro Rodriguez for Congress. Please donate now, so he can beat the Democrat-in-Republican's-clothing known as Henry Cuellar. All we ask is that you add an additional thousand dollars to your 25-dollar donation so his campaign will know it came from C&J.
JEERS to Bush's war of choice. It's happening in Maine and probably your neck of the woods, too---we're running out of troops:
The Army National Guard could soon run out of Maine soldiers to send to Iraq and Afghanistan because of the 24-month cap on how long citizen soldiers can be ordered into active duty.
Some 1,600 men and women from virtually every Maine unit have either served overseas or soon will, said Maj. Gen. Bill Libby, the top official in the Maine National Guard. Unless the rules change, that means that there are few soldiers left who can be ordered overseas. "In a year, we will literally be out of the fight," Libby said.
Apparently the only unit left will be---no kidding---the 195th Army Band. Don't laugh...they can spear an evildoer with a clarinet from 150 yards.
CHEERS to Democratic backbone. Whaddyaknow...at the NSA hearings, Biden, Kennedy, Feingold, Durbin, and Leahy (watch his opening statement at Crooks and Liars) took turns swatting Alberto Gonzales, who looked like a schoolboy getting reprimanded by the principal for spending too much time climbing the rope in gym class. Too bad they couldn't keep him there until he actually answered a question.
CHEERS to the proper way of watching the SpyGate hearings. From America: The Book comes our favorite C-SPAN drinking game:
Asshole The partisan rancor in Washington is at an all-time high. While the collegial nature of Congress prevents members from coming right out and calling each other "asshole," senators and representatives constantly say as much in elaborate false displays of courtesy. When a congressman uses a phrase like "with all due respect," "my distinguished colleague," or "what the junior senator from Montana fails to realize...," he is really saying "asshole." Drink.
If you insist.
CHEERS to Jimmy Carter. The FISA law was passed during his administration, and folks have been waiting for him to weigh in on the controversy. So what does James Earl have to say about Bush's bypassing of it?
"Under the Bush administration, there's been a disgraceful and illegal decision---we're not going to the let the judges or the Congress or anyone else know that we're spying on the American people. And no one knows how many innocent Americans have had their privacy violated under this secret act."
-
"It's a ridiculous argument, not only bad, it's ridiculous. Obviously, the attorney general who said it's all right to torture prisoners and so forth is going to support the person who put him in office. But he's a very partisan attorney general and there's no doubt that he would say that. I hope that eventually the case will go to the Supreme Court. I have no doubt that when it's over, the Supreme Court will rule that Bush has violated the law."
When asked what the punishment should be, #39 grabbed the reporter and stunned him with his secret judo chop.
JEERS to double standards. Big backlash over published cartoons depicting (from what I've heard) Mohammed in a pup tent with Heath Ledger resulted in widespread violence from the firebug wing of the Muslim community. And yet it's perfectly okay for those Muslims to trash Jews and Christians in their media with impunity. But at least it gives us a chance to say---for the first time ever: Denmark got in trouuuuuble... Denmark got in trouuuuuble!
JEERS to lying in front of Congress. The State of the Union speech is vetted 7 ways to Sunday. And yet, a day after Bush pledged to cut oil imports by 75 percent, the White House says, Naaaahh, just kidding!! So the new Bush mantra becomes: "You may not agree with me, but at least you know where I stand. Today. This second. Unless I call takebacks. Which I might. `Cause I'm the president. Nine eleven."
CHEERS to Al Lewis. The actor who played affable Grandpa in The Munsters has died at 95...or was it 82? He also ran for Governor of New York, owned a restaurant, worked in a circus, hosted a radio show, and was a decent basketball scout. But in my opinion, his greatest contribution was giving me a perfectly valid excuse to put off doing my homework for another 30 minutes.
P.S. Great...now I can't get that theme song out of my head.
CHEERS to Super Bowl XL. When's it on?
JEERS to the great escape. A bunch of al Qaeda thugs, including the guy who planned the bombing of the U.S.S. Cole, escaped from a Yemeni prison over the weekend. C&J urges calm---I'm sure all they wanted was a little fresh air, maybe a massage, and some sweet lovin'. [Gulp.]
CHEERS to Play-Doh in motion. On the list of this week's DVDs: the Oscar-nominated Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit, Bambi II (what, you didn't get Twitterpated enough the first time?), and something called Doom. It's the story of an unsuspecting family who misses a single credit card payment. You'll find it in the horror section.
-
One Year Ago in C&J: February 7, 2005...
CHEERS to Patriots Fever. New England comes away with a 24-21 dynasty mandate. And now that we've earned our Super Bowl capital, we intend to spend it. On shirts, hats, mugs, towels, pompoms, underwear...
JEERS to spotting an iceberg miles away and deliberately steering your ship right into it. The Bushies now say Social Security privatization won't do a damn thing to make the program more solvent, which was their stated goal from the start. Yesterday we intercepted a message coming from the Republican leadership: SOS... SOS... SOS...
-
And just one more...
CHEERS to downhill skiing. Especially when you can do it in the middle of the frickin' desert. Although the way this winter's been, we're close to building a few of those up here ourselves.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"America is addicted to Cheers and Jeers."
---President Bush
1/31/06