Halliburton To Begin Aggressive Drilling Campaign
by: kilgoretrout
Halliburton today unveiled new plans for an aggressive drilling campaign targeting several locations in the continental United States. Halliburton spokesman Ron Daring briefed reporters from the DC office: "Today marks the beginning of a bold new era of oil exploration in America and it is the hope that this new direction will enable us to break free from the shackles of foreign energy dependence. Our new surveying technology and speculation has led us to discover potentially large untapped resources right under our noses."
In fact, reporters were told that significant evidence pointed to there being a vast reserve of light crude directly beneath the Democratic National Committee headquarters. "Yes it is true. Our engineers estimate that directly under 430 S Capitol St, SE there is a reservoir to rival that of Saudi Arabia," says Daring.
Junior DNC staffer Melvin Reed was flabergasted, " Oil, here in DC? That's preposterous." Although Halliburton officials have provided no technical data to support their claims, spokeman Daring assured doubters, "Oh it's there. That why we're going to tear down the DNC headquarters and start drilling immediately."
When asked about the possiblity of such an outcome, Howard Dean tried to calm the concerns of staffers, " Ah well, that's just impossible. We're not going anywhere. This is just more bullying by the republican leadership. They can't just move us, this is still America." When confronted by Dean's remarks, RNC Chairman Ken Mehlmen responeded, "Again we have a case of a crazy Mr. Dean living in a fantasy world. He obviously missed today's Supreme Court ruling allowing city leadership to acquire private property deemed necessary to develop for the good of the community. An oil reserve would greatly benefit the needs of the citizens of Washington DC."
After the announcement, DC Mayor Anthony Williams was fielding questions outside of his office at City Hall. One reporter inquired about the necessity of destroying the DNC headquarters for oil speculation. Mayor Williams calmed the crowd, "Well, we've offered the DNC a fair price for their property and a vast oil return would be great for the city. Halliburton has assured me that everything will be okay." Senator Trent Lott was on hand during Williams' press conference, "I think this is a great example of the public good being served. You know, if you're the DNC you just have to do what's right for the city, and that means evacuating the building and letting the wrecking team do their job."
Halliburton spokesman Daring also announced that new reserves had been located in New York on 125 Broad Street. "We will be speaking with Mayor Bloomberg tomorrow and I'm sure he will see that the interests of the community would be served if we were to commence the immediate drilling of the said property. I'm sure the ACLU will understand."
The ACLU, whose headquarters now potentially sits on top of vast oil deposits, was unavailable for comment.