Reading through some old comments, I thought it'd be entertaining to summarize the last 4 months of news, with comments intermittently thrown in.
(For the record, I limited topics to those on which I've previously commented.)
January 2006
Calls to boycott the State of the Union address fail and Bush speaks as expected. Two people are removed from the Capitol for expressing an opinion. Students everywhere are sent to the hospital when the absurdity that is American politics results in hundreds being unable to keep up with the demands of State of the Union Drinking Game.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/1/12/20521/6314
Conservative group becomes exposed for paying students to spy on liberal faculty. Speech no longer remains free, but instead, profitable.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/1/19/8190/04195
Death row inmate Clarence Allen asks not to be resuscitated if he suffers a heart attack before his execution. Prison spokesperson refuses to honor his request because of the "sanctity of life." (No further comment is necessary; I couldn't make this up if I tried).
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/1/25/20138/8580
February 2006
The anti-Human-Animal Hybrid movement picks up momentum. Americans are stunned by the lack of Bush's hypocrisy; his opposition to hybrids apparently isn't entirely limited to hybrid vehicles.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/1/101149/3822
Congress' lovable bastion of honesty, Tom Delay, gets a spot on the House Appropriations Committee. Fortunately, the story was written months in advance:
Republicans put (corrupt official) in (important position)
House Republicans have recently given (corrupt official) a position in (powerful position) on Tuesday.
"He's an outstanding candidate and will do a great service to the American people," says (conservative Congressperson). "I can't think of anyone more qualified."
"However, this move has drawn ire from Democratic groups because of the recent scandals involving (corrupt official). "He is the poster child for what a person in (powerful position) shouldn't be," says (important liberal). "This appointment just reeks of cronyism!"
"In the wake of (recent scandals), we need someone with experience in (important position)," said President Bush yesterday. "(playful nickname for corrupt official) can get the job done."
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/8/20537/33652
The word "Vagina" is censored from a marquee for "The Vagina Monologues" at a Tennessee community college. "The Liver Monologues" is performed instead, benefiting the local economy due to sharp increases in Jack Daniels sales.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/10/132314/349
Harry Whittington apologizes for being shot in the face by Dick Cheney. Mr. Cheney blames democrats responsible for a generation of birdshot pellets that demonstrate a "clear, liberal bias."
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/14/175444/630
The Military Order of the Purple Heart presents an award to Sen. Hillary Clinton. Newsmax reports that Sen. Clinton actually received a purple heart. Sean Hannity calls for Hillary to be shot to make the award valid.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/20/15167/9140
George Bush attempts to sell control of American ports to a Dubai-based company. When polls show Americans oppose almost unanimously, President Bush claims that everyone but him is a racist.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/22/95919/9251
Bill O'Reilly argues that Hollywood shouldn't shape American culture, especially in the form of Brokeback Mountain. Bill himself claims the role of culture warrior, leading a pro-falafel campaign that increases Mid-East awareness.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/22/171915/014
Scientists attack President Bush, warning against "an exertion of executive hegemony over science." Scientists' protests are complemented by a sympathy strike from the Human-Animal hybrid union, demanding a right to exist.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/22/173213/660
Fox News asks, "All-out civil war in Iraq: Could it be a good thing?" Democrats then ask, "All-out civil war in Iraq: You didn't see this coming years ago?"
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/24/151558/500
A Kansas school board rejects state education standards allowing the teaching of Intelligent Design. Americans everywhere are amused to hear "science," "standards," and "intelligent design" in the same sentence.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/2/27/16326/4795
March 2006
Republicans shut down mine safety hearings after 21 miners die in accidents. Bush explains this is why we need to limit our energy consumption to oil and only oil.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/3/2/114848/0471
South Dakota's governor signs legislation outlawing abortion in the state. Security increases at all the state's dry cleaners who are worried about increased coat-hanger theft.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/3/6/153842/1192
Cindy Sheehan gets herself arrested in New York City. Americans remain unsurprised.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/3/8/173922/1620
George Bush knowingly signs a bill that was not passed by both houses of Congress. A surge in the president's popularity immediately follows as many Americans express surprise that President Bush can sign his name.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/3/15/13586/8457
Sean Hannity calls Democrats "idiotic and incompetent" for making decisions solely on what President Bush tells them, referring to the Authorization to Use Military Force. On an unrelated note, Sean Hannity is immediately rushed to the hospital with a terrible case of being-slapped-in-the-face-by-irony.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/3/15/161053/004
While Kentucky attempts to outlaw lap dances, Tennessee proposes a ban on "three-dimensional devices...useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs...." Sex shop workers team up with physicists across the country to begin marketing new sex toys that "transcend time," thereby breaking into that fourth dimension.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/3/21/224227/624
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/3/7/175222/7084
Wal-Mart continues its "conscientious objector" policy in Connecticut, allowing pharmacists to refuse to dispense certain medication over objections from the state Attorney General and Comptroller. Meanwhile, thousands of Wal-Mart employees in the state refuse to work, expressing their "conscientious objection" to Wal-Mart itself.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/3/28/192748/891
April 2006
California GOP employees trick residents into registering as Republicans by asking residents to sign petitions on other topics. One GOP official is quoted as saying, "If they're stupid enough to be tricked that easily, they're must be Republicans anyway."
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/4/1/16314/69859
Louisiana's St. Bernard Parish considers hiring Michael Brown as a consultant. One parish official held a press conference to explain the situation:
Official: Mr. Brown has experience overseeing the largest disaster in American history. He'd be a great asset to our parish in preparing for the next disaster.
Reporter: Didn't he demonstrate total incompetence in his response to Katrina?
Official: The disaster I was referring to is FEMA, not Katrina.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/4/12/125027/086
Rep. Moran proposes an admission fee for the Smithsonian museum in order to raise additional revenue. While this idea is denounced by both sides of the political spectrum, the Air and Space Museum changed its name to the "Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum by Boeing."
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/4/3/153020/2388
A member of the Harrisburg City Council proposes a comprehensive smoking ban covering all city facilities, indoor and outdoor. Kossacks are surprised that anyone pays attention to what happens in Harrisburg.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/4/12/185535/919
Pope Benedict speaks out, saying "a slick campaign of propaganda is spreading an inane apologia of evil, a senseless cult of Satan, a mindless desire for transgression, a dishonest and frivolous freedom, exalting impulsiveness, immorality and selfishness as if they were new heights of sophistication." Catholics nationwide can't determine whether he's referring to gay marriage or the Bush administration.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/4/17/14437/1196
Conservative commentators express outrage at immigrants singing the U.S. National Anthem in Spanish. Bill O'Reilly expresses double-outrage when one immigrant sings the anthem in French. Americans rejoice nationwide that Roseanne Barr has not yet returned to anthem-singing.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/4/26/10565/0746
General Peter Schoomaker claims the amount spent last year in Iraq, $440 billion, is as much as Americans spent on Christmas decorations. He notes this year was an anomaly, however, as the War on Christmas inflated many Americans' decoration budgets.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/4/26/20233/5358
Rumors circulate that Ayn Rand's masterpiece, Atlas Shrugged, will be turned into a movie starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Accurately predicting the movie's success, they've renamed it "Gigli 2."
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/4/27/151952/286