Fellow Kossaks, it pains me to say this, but I agree with Mary Cheney. Wow. I feel really dirty now. But it is true. Maybe it is because I have a really conservative family that supports me but doesn't advertise their big dyke daughter. Maybe it is because I have always been against outing gay folks unless they come out in favour of anti-gay policies. More below the fold.
I keenly remember watching those debates. I remember Edwards bringing up Cheney's daughter. I remember feeling like I had been sucker punched. I called a friend of mine and asked what she thought. She agreed that it was over the line. I called a second friend. She was in agreement, too. All Democrats. All folks that loathe Cheney. All thought Edwards went over a line that either he did not understand, or he intentionally chose to politicize. In the words of the good folks of Bridge City "that really sucked".
See, to us, being gay is still a personal matter. If you choose to live your life under a rainbow flag, that is cool with us. If you don't, that is cool with us,
too. We will still invite you to our house parties and we won't run about wagging out tongues about who we saw kissing who by the fire pit. I don't believe that we have the right to decide who should be out and who shouldn't. I don't believe I have the right to dictate people's personal choices. The only exceptions are public figures that are on the record against gay rights. Not their children. Just them. And I am not entirely comfortable with outings even then.
I don't consider myself in the closet by any means, but I do not advertise my sexuality in my professional life. If someone asks me about it I am honest and I mention my partner when talking about what we are doing on the weekends or where we are going on vacation, but I don't have a flag on my car and I don't talk about gay issues. When I had a "real job" in corporate, I would make a pilgrimage to HR once a year to request benefits for my domestic partner. I knew it was futile. HR knew it was futile. But we did our little dance every year and never discussed it again. Considering the time, the juncture in my career and the conservative nature of the company it was pretty ballsy but I was very good at what I did so I could get away with it. Now I ask about it when I interview. My how things have changed. And all this is my choice. My clients don't hire me for my politics and I don't see any reason why they should get them as a "bonus".
I guess my rambling point is that I respect why some people don't advertise their gayness. I respect a person's desire to live a quiet gay life. I understand what it is like to have conservative parents that love you more than anything, but are uncomfortable about gay issues. My mother does not need everyone in that repulsively gossipy small town hissing behind her back about her kid more than they already do. All she wants to do is work and go to church and have us all over for the holidays. I don't feel the need to parade myself in front of all of the people that never gave a damn about me anyway. As with a lot of small towns, everyone knows but as long as I don't advertise the "scandal" never gets beyond a simmer. I love my parents. I would never subject them to living on the cross of my cause. They have done everything they can to support me - even speaking out against the anti-marriage amendment in Texas (on the grounds that we all have a right "to the pursuit of happiness" and gay people just want to be happy - you have to love them). In Texas, for the love of God. If someone threw out my name to score points against my father, I would be furious. He is not perfect, but he loves us. He is Charles Bronson in flip flops struggling to understand. He would fight a bear to protect us. I would do the same for him.
Do we say that Mary Cheney is different because of her association to the administration? I don't buy that. She is not a member of the administration. We all had a fit when they went after Chelsea Clinton with personal attacks. The kids don't get to choose who their parents are. I don't' think Mary Cheney hates herself. I think she is a gay person from a very conservative family that loves her. She has found a balance that works for her. I would have been furious during the debate, too. I would have mouthed "fuck you", too. It would have taken all of my self restraint not to kick Edwards in the nuts. Don't use me to try and embarrass my father. That will guarantee you an enemy for life.
We all come from different places. Some of us have PFLAG parents waving banners at the Pride parade. Some of us don't. Some of us wear our gayness on our sleeve and make sure the whole world knows the details of our lives. Some of us don't. Some of us are vocal activists. Some of us prefer to use our resources in the background. And I don't believe that there is a more "right" way. I know I am going to get flamed for this diary, but I am tired of listening to people like the folks over at HuffPo taking pot shots at Mary Cheney and defending what happened in the debates. As if she was wrong for her anger at being thrown into the debate like that. If we find out that Pat Robertson is closeted, I will be one of the first to send a mass mailing because he is an active player in the fight. He goes on TV and spouts homophobic rhetoric. He made his positions public. He is fair game. Mary Cheney was a marginal public figure. As far as I know, she never publicly outed herself or took stances on anti-gay measures. She was not fair game. None of us know the dynamics of the Cheney family, but I suspect that they are not dissimilar to my family (except that my father is not a spawn of Satan and has never shot anyone on a hunting trip, of course). And I understand her anger.
*Update* - Mary Cheney was not in the closet prior to the debate. She was working as an LGBT liason for Coors, but she was not a public gay figure in the sense that everyone knew she was gay. She was not Ellen or Rosie. Most Joes and Janes didn't know Cheney had a gay daughter. None of my gay friends knew and my parents and their friends certainly did not know. IMO, the comments made during the debate were a polical ploy to make this fact widely known under the guise of praise. I do not agree with that. Any way you slice it, they politicized the kid at the expense of the parent.