This is a preview of Letters From Iraq Part 2 which will be published tomorrow. I will post the full length article here as a diary entry, so be looking for it sometime tomorrow. It will consist of three letters from Iraq, and an overview of the current situation from a soldier who is home on leave.
If I Killed a Child am I a Murderer? I Need to Know!
From a Christian soldier in Iraq with blood on his hands
April 14, 2006
Someone, anyone, can you help me?
Please, please, find me a pastor or a preacher who can give me a real answer. I really need to know, because I think I'm going to hell for what I did yesterday. I know I was not really responsible, but it was me that did it: my hand, my finger, my eyes that aimed, and my 243 that fired the bullets. Even if I didn't mean to do it, I have to blame myself and admit it was my fault. I need to find out if I can ask for forgiveness and make it all right.
I went to the chaplain and he wouldn't even talk to me about it. He just told me that it was during war, and we were in the right, because God was with us. He told me that during war things happen that can't be helped. He told me that God would forgive everything we did, and I didn't need to worry about it anymore.
That's not an answer I can live with and when I got mad and screamed at him he wrote me up on a counseling statement for being disrespectful and insubordinate! So I can't go back and talk to the Chaplains because they will never talk about it when you try to get a real answer from them. I am afraid they will give me another counseling form or try to screw with me.
I killed a kid yesterday and I have to know if that makes me a murderer or not. It was the first time I knew for real that someone innocent was dead. I mean, we were under fire, and I just looked up and saw my bullets hit this kid in the side of the face and blow his brains all over the wall.
I could see the tracers light his head up when they went through. I'll never forget that sight, it was just too nasty and bizarre. I don't know if my brain made it up, or if it really happened. God, that was the sickest thing I've ever seen. It was in such slow motion that I think I added stuff to it when I replayed it in my head. I saw it all happen like it was in a movie, so maybe I'm already nuts or in hell as part of my punishment.
His mother was right there and she just fell down in the middle of all this fire and started screaming and beating herself on the head. I mean we were still shooting like crazy and she was there in the middle of the alley on her knees not even feeling the bullets hitting her. She got hit from like four different directions and she was still just kneeling down and wailing for her dead son.
God, it all just slowed down even more, and then she fell on her side and it got real quiet. I could here a few guys going "Oh Sh*t! Oh F**k!" and nobody knew what else to say or do. Our Sarge started yelling at us to get back to the patrol and get our butts moving back to our FOB. We just all ran back to our vehicles and got the hell out of there as quick as we could. We were afraid more insurgents would come out, and also we had just killed a woman and child. That really makes the locals mad like nothing else does. Kill a kid or a woman, and all hell breaks loose if they have time to figure out what just happened. Things would have got real nasty and they would have come after us if they had a chance.
We were hard running back to the FOB and I was still in shock. My friend just looked at me and told me it was not my fault. He was right next to me when it happened, so I know that he saw most of it when it went down. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it real hard and just gave me a "shut up and drive on" look. He wouldn't let me say anything, he just told me to shut the "f" up and be a man. I know he knew what I was going to say, and he didn't want to break the ice and let it all flood out.
That's one thing that we don't ever really do. We don't talk about the dead kids we see or the people that get killed in the bombings or IEDS. We don't really talk about our own guys dying, and we stay pretty locked tight about anyone else getting killed. It doesn't make it easy when you now you killed someone, and I have to keep it shut up inside me, or I'll get in trouble with my Captain and NCO staff.
I need to get an answer about this, because it's killing me inside. I woke up this morning screaming and seeing that kids head blow apart. I feel his death in my soul and I know his blood is on my hands. Yeah, I was just doing my job and following orders, but that doesn't make it any easier. All the soothing words and telling me it's all right won't wash this off my soul. I believe that there is no excuse for killing a child no matter what rationalization you use.
Killing an innocent child is just that, no other words will cover that up or make it any different. I have seen other guys go through this and try every excuse in the book. If you are a person with deep religious beliefs or a shred of humanity, then you can't just let it go. I don't know what I am going to do now, or how I will live with this.
I am a Christian who has been told that my faith doesn't have anything to do with killing in a war. I have been told by a few Chaplains that I am doing the right thing and that my faith does not have anything to do with it. I think they are lying to me and it makes me feel like they are not really Christians. They tell me one thing, but the bible ells me another.
All I know is that this is not right, and we should not be told it is okay to kill innocent bystanders. My church and my bible say something completely different. You can't just take the parts of the bible you like to see and throw the stuff you don't need away like garbage. You either believe everything the bile says or you don't believe any of it. God does not let you pick and choose which commandments to follow and which ones don't count during war.
It just doesn't work like that, and the people that think it does are going to hell. I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I follow the Bible as the word of God given to mankind for their eternal salvation. Now I am faced with the biggest sin I could have committed and philosophy will not make it any better. I go by God' word and not the w0ord of someone trying to make Christianity, Faith and war fit into one nice neat package.
The bible says "Though Shall Not Kill" and there is not a list of reasons or excuses to get out of it written in the Bible. If it is not there then you can't say it is okay to kill. I can't get anything else to make sense so I will stop trying to make it fit.
I need people to pray for me and to ask for my forgiveness. I am in pain and my heart is heavy. Please, please, tell me how to get this blood off my hands. I can't live with myself if I know I can't be forgiven. Is there anyone out there who can help me? I need some real guidance and prayer, not a rational or excuse to cover this up. Please, can anyone tell me what to do?
A Christian soldier in Iraq with blood on his hands