Until this latest conference of the Retro UFO Space Convention at the Intregration in the Mojave desert many of us have thought tin foil hats were our best protection against space aliens or Rovian NSA agents trying to read our minds and discover our secret battleplans for our vast left wing conspiracy to instill progressive values into American voters before the 2006 elections. But Bette Rinehart ,of the LA Times open our eyes to the possibility that new, potentially more effective technologies, may becomin available.
Foiling the Space Aliens.
For two weeks I've been thinking about aluminum foil. The problem is that my thoughts should have been focused on tin foil because that, you see, is what purportedly provides the best shield against alien mind control. At least that's what I've read on the Internet.
This is not simply a matter of research. This weekend, I'll be chronicling in writing and on video the Retro UFO Space Convention at the Integratron in the Mojave Desert.
I'll be chatting with the abducted, drinking in the wisdom of guest experts on extra-terrestrials and listening to some UFO performance poetry
But it was the "Tinfoil Hat Contest" that hit me like a gigaton of space balls. Although I didn't even know what the prize was, I wanted to win
Foil hats got a pop culture bump in the 2002 thriller, "Signs," when, in perhaps the film's funniest scene, Joaquin Phoenix donned aluminum headgear to keep his thoughts protected from unseen aliens. But in my Web sleuthing I found that the coterie of the aluminated is of two minds. Anecdotally speaking, some feel that tin foil provides a shield to thought invasion by both aliens and, dare I say, the CIA. Others contend that the thin metallic sheets are actually more of an "antenna" for other-worldly communication.
I've chosen the style of my hat with an intensity bordering on obsession. I knew I wouldn't be caught dead wandering the desert like some still-wrapped Hershey Kiss or like the styles I'd seen on the Web, including the "Kutcher" (an annoying trucker cap), or the Fez (nice enough with its sassy tassel, but too easy).
For me, would it be Katherine Hepburn in "The Alien Queen?" Uma Thurman in "Even Martian Ladies Get the Blues?" No, I'd go more exotic-a Chinese sunhat with a huge, garish aluminum foil and pink construction paper rose. Maybe some trim, too. A little Chinoiserie meets Audrey Hepburn in "My Fair Alien."
I headed to the Rite-aid and Office Depot for foil, tape, colored paper and paste. Four hours later, voila!
My hat turned out to be a pretty glamorous little something for the stylish, paranoid gardening enthusiast. Any misguided extraterrestrial looking to probe my thoughts would be in for a big surprise. They'd have to dig through that monster garnish on the top of my head. Good luck, space invader. Good luck.
But our reporter learns that hooking your aluminum hat to a "trans-cranial electro-stimulative" "Brain Tuner offer better protection. She only earned third prize. And a careful reading of her article reveals few details of the better technologies that I've always suspected have been out there.
Foiled again! The NSA must have got to her before she could spill the beans. But now that we've caught a whiff of this conspiracy to deprive the -public of our right to know I'm sure I can count on all of you fellow travelers out there to keep you attennea tuned for other clues. But here's one clue
Afterwards, Frank Bollinger, co-creator of the "Brain Tuner," which he claims "stops anxiety and trans-cranial electro-stimulation," asks me, "Is that just a hat, or does it have another purpose?"