THE WEEK IN SATIRIC REVIEW: Autopsy shows al-Zarqawi died of blunt trauma resulting from a 500 pound bomb. Made even worse by his weakened condition caused by a night of phone sex with Ann Coulter..... The U.S. says coalition medic worked to save al-Zarqawi. Not much chance oif survival, though. He was from Kaiser..... Canada suspects' lawyers allege mistreatment. They're being forced to watch Canadian television..... The Army National Guard has stationed the first troops along the U.S.-Mexican border in "Operation Jump Start." Not to be confused with the travel industry's code phrase for Spring Break----"Operation Jump a Co-ed"..... F.B.I reports a 4.5% increase in violent crimes in 2005. Thanks mainly to increased illegal immigration, gang warfare and Dick Cheney..... There's lots more of this foolishness below the fold!
Constitutional amendment banning flag-burning is one vote away from passing in the Senate. The measure would allow for one exception----flags that ignite accidentally at Fourth of July barbecues while wrapped around Bush administration officials..... U.S. becomes the first team at the World Soccer Matches to lose a game by three goals. Even worse, to a team from the Axis of Evil..... The Supreme Court ruled that death row inmates may challenge the methods used to execute them. Thomas wrote that the acceptable threshold of pain constituting "cruel and unusual punishment" should be that experienced during a digital prostate exam..... Bush meets with the prime minister of Denmark, Anders Fogh Rasmussen. He issued an official statement that said "Thanks to the prune Danish, I've always been partial to the Denmarkians"..... Sweeping security crackdown in Baghdad----says Iraqi Interior Minister "We will show no mercy... there will be a special uniform with special badges on vehicles." Now if they can just get the insurgents to dress appropriately. According to a poll of 17,000 conducted by Pew Research, a majority of the world's population consider the U.S. a greater threat than Iran. Except, of course, in soccer..... California Republican Duncan Hunter sponsored a bill to allow disabled vets to hunt elk and deer stocked by a private firm on federal land saying, "What a great place for our disabled guys to hunt. I though this would be a really wonderful thing." If this program catches on, he plans to stock it with some old lawyers for vets who like dove-hunting..... A Homeland Security air marshall has been grounded after telling 20-20 that passengers can recognize agents because of their wardrobe and demeanor. Especially when they hand out autographs after the showing of "United 93"..... Bush optimistic about Iran's reaction to nuke plan. "Sounds like a positive step to me," he tells reporters. Like invading Iraq, saying "Bring 'em on," revamping social security, putting Michael Brown in charge of FEMA, nominating Harriet Miers, letting Arabs guard the ports, extending the tax cuts, posting "Mission Accomplished" sign...... Declassified documents show that the CIA knew the whereabouts of Adolph Eichmann two years before the Israelis seized him. Then they made the mistake of telling the FBI which lost track of him again.] The Israeli army will greatly reduce itrs reserve forces, believed to be the best in the world. And given credit for inventing the battlefield M.B.R.E.'s----Matzo Balls Ready to Eat..... The governor of Arizona vetoed a bill that would have criminalized undocumented workers. After thousands of restaurants throughout the state posted signs reading "Please bus your own plates and silverware"..... A third grade teacher in Virginia was found guilty of aiding a Pakistani terrorist organization. Headed by the nototious Osama Bin Rogers..... Cheney and Congress strike a deal in NSA oversight of phone call monitoring. AT & T's new "Tapper ID" program will automatically kick in every time a government spook picks up..... The Florida legislature has upgraded the manatee from "endangered" to the less-endangered "threatened." And upgraded Katherine Harris "almost thawed"..... New Gallup poll shows 28% of Americans believe the bible is literally true. And 17% of them are sure Ann Coulter is a direct descendent of Mary Magdalene..... In a recent survey, 25% of 18-24 year olds couldn't identify a photo of Dick Cheney. But they did a little better when they put a shotgun in his hands.....
Bush is attempting to regain support from his base by pushing for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage.
Looks like the bible thumper vote is more important to him than Mary Chaney's...... Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff insists that FEMA is "hurricane-ready." For what it's worth, Mike is also certain the F.B.I. is about to find Jimmy Hoffa..... For more of this kind of banter, check out my blog: www.Bereftontheleft.blogspot.com!
Drop me a line at: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com