I've never considered myself an Adonis. But I never would have imagined that I could be completely un-mateworthy. Oh believe me, I tried! I filled out EHarmony.Com's "free relationship analysis" form 4 times! And it came up snake eyes each and every time!
I'm not sure where I went wrong. I mean, the goddamned form is like - 15 pages long! One might have thought that
somewhere in there the computer data would have found something about me that
someone else could find interesting! EHarmony's founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, (you know, that slick, almost sickly-smooth, silver haired viper in the TV commercials and radio ads, with a voice that almost wreaks of the Aqua-Velva/communion grape juice stench of every evangelistic christian I've ever had to stand within 12 feet of, ) is a very, very,
very close friend of another guy who specializes in relationships. You've heard of him. James Dobson is the shepherd of the sheep over at Focus on the Fucked Up Dysfunctional Angry Hate-Filled Bigoted Family. He and Warren go way back, I guess. I mean between the two of these inter-personal society geniuses, the
27 Dimensions of a Beautiful Relationship® had to ROCK! Anywho!
I used a different email address each time I filled out a new form. Email addresses are kind of like the "social security number" of the world wide web, you know. So I like to have a few different ones incase I have to tap dance around a registration form, or dodge a junk mail database. I reserve at least one address for my real email, of course. So let me tell you what I did, and see if you can point out where I made my mistake.
First, I filled out the form completely honestly. I answered every single question as truthfully as I could. Now, I have to be straight up with you ... I'm not really looking for a mate - I have a loving gay domestic partner with whom I've lived in sin, touching genitalia and swapping spit for some 7 years now. But if anybody could find me a mate in the off-chance that sometime in the future, hubby thought I suddenly looked fat ... by gawd the folks who nailed down 27 Dimensions of a Beautiful Relationship® could!
I was shocked when I got through the form - and I mean this is a long-ass form - and I got some mealy-mouth excuse about there being no one in their computers that would make a good match for me.
What the hell?
27 Fucking dimensions and I don't posses ONE?!
I hit the back button to see where I went astray.
"Warning Page Expired."
Crap.
I had to go all the way back to the home page and start from scratch. It was like standing in line for two hours at Cedar Point to get on the Magnum, and when you get to the front there's a cardboard cutout guy stretching his arm out with a thought balloon that says, "You Must Be This Heterosexual To Enjoy This Ride."
Ok, maybe I should turn down the sexual orientation rhetoric a smidge.
Wait a minute - they asked ME if I like men! I was just telling the truth. Why would they ask me that question if it wasn't one of the 27 Dimensions of a Beautiful Relationship®?! Oh well, I was just going to have to lie if I was to get a piece of my 27 Dimension Pie!
All the way through my second trip through What-Do-You-Need-To-Know-That-For hell, I thought to myself: What if I answer something differently than I did last time, and they figure out who I am and think I'm a liar. That's when the second email address came in! Ha ha ha ha! I had `em. Email address #2 doesn't even have my name in it!
35 Minutes later...
"We're sorry ... there's no one for you. Don't worry. This stuff happens. It's not you, it's us." (or something like that.)
Ok, now I'm on a fucking mission. Of all 27 Dimensions of a Beautiful Relationship® one of them had to be dedication, sense of commitment, or maybe honesty. 2 Out of three ain't bad so I forged ahead. Only this time I left out the gay stuff and the stuff about me not belonging to any organized religion. I mean, what the hell do they need to know that for, right?
I would check off the stuff that asked if I had a "spiritual path" ... but say "no" to all the Christy stuff.
(sfx: Loser buzzer)
You gotta be shittin' me. I have a spiritual path ... and I'm 100% fag kooty free! And you're trying to tell me there isn't one loser, back pew, alcoholic, bible thumper in the bunch? I mean as far as this go-round was concerned, I was a 9! 8 ½ On the low ball! You mean to say there isn't one single, solitary 3 in that database?!
This is my last try. I just about had the fucking thing memorized at this point.
Yes.
No.
Mid 40s.
Dogs, yes, love dogs.
No, of course I don't believe women are subservient to the man of the hou- ...
Aha!
It was 4 o'clock in the morning now. The sparrows were starting to chirp and that reminded me that soon I would have to fix my hubby's lunch, before we both had to work and pay our taxes on my house which stood on a finely manicured lawn (nicest in the neighborhood,) and my daughter was coming for coffee that day, and I thought I might have to babysit one of the grandkids. Big day. I better quit.
But I did learn an important lesson.
When you visit Eharmony.Com to get a free analysis of the 27 Dimensions of a Beautiful Relationship® ... always remember!
Being gay, unaffiliated with a christian evangelist church, and equal to women are definately not three of them.
Maybe you'll have better luck than I did. But I have to wonder. Is Eharmony really offering a dating-slash-soul-mate-until-the-rapture love site? Or are they just trying to breed a master race of white, straight, male-dominant christians to kill the rest of us and eat our brains?
27! Goddammit!