It's been blogged on prominent right-wing website that I represent the marketing interests of a massive, predatory fast-food corporation.
Sadly, I have to confess that the accusation is true. I have allowed my image to be the silly, happy face painted to white-wash the insidious culture of "Big Fat". The Big Macs I help sell lead to large-scale deforestation in the Amazon Basin and poison our bodies with anti-biotics. I have endorsed industrial use of fertilizers in order to maintain vast grazing lands that create uncontrolled, toxic river-polluting run-off. An empire of inhumane cattle-slaughter has been built upon my stripped shirt.
The irony of my prison-uniform costume never escapes me. I have been living a lie.
It shames me but I simply must admit -- without remorse -- that I love those fucking burgers. I mean, I really love them. Cannot keep my hands off them.
Admittedly, my first mistake was using my actual name on this blog. I should have created a fake name, like "Mr. Jack In The Box," "Filet-o-fish-burglar", "Mr. Peanut" or "Tim." Perhaps I had a subconscious desire to be outed? I mean, my evil genius is unparalleled; why should I hide it from the world from behind this veil of secrecy?
Alas, despite the fact that my identity has been known for time, that my employer has a public profile on me on their website -- my anonymity has been compromised.
I've been accused of using inflammatory language on this site, and I'm very sorry for that. For example, the time I accused Burger King of secretly using Coelacanth, Snow Leopards, and Humpback-Whale meat in their burgers, I shouted down all opposition -- often using phrases such as "shut the fuck up," "that's complete horseshit," or "You are insane." Worst of all, sometimes I just dismiss people with a snide "Robble, robble."
When I gave "Super-Size Me" a very tepid review in my personal blog, I didn't come clean on my real employer.
Now, I have to face the consequences.
Good bye cruel world. You won't have the Hamburglar to kick around anymore -- at least for a week.