Several weeks ago, I wrote Senator James Inhofe (R-OK - gawd, I'm sorry, rest of the country - I tried my best) regarding some piddly little concerns I have about unimportant topics such as the environment and his pro-business stance on all related issues. Now I know that my name must surely strike fear into the hearts of his staff (oh, nooooo, here's another one from that batshit crazy lib'rul woman), but they always make SUCH an admirable effort to respond to my concerns.
Trouble is, it takes some serious reading between the lines to really understand just what it is they're trying to say to me. But after several years of this kind of fun and games, I think I've got it figured out.
So here's my translation of the latest missive from Senator Global Warming is a Hoax. Ya'll enjoy!
Dear Ms. XXXXX:
Thank you for contacting me regarding your concerns about the environment.
Oh, crap. It's her again. Someone bring me a drink.
As chairman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee,
Look out, you EPA fascists! I'm wise to you!
I have been working to ensure that Oklahomans can enjoy the recreational, aesthetic, and health benefits of a clean environment.
It was sheer genius to make those environmental groups give up their financial records, if I do say so myself. Maybe that'll keep 'em busy for a while and outta my hair. Damn hippies.
Like many Oklahomans, I enjoy the majesty of our diverse wildlife, mountains, rivers, and fields. That is why I have worked to ensure that this beauty is preserved for many generations to come.
By voting against those damned treehuggers every chance I get.
An understanding of why we need to examine both environmental and regulatory law is critical.
Because global warming is a hoax. A hoax, I say!
In today's economy, America must regulate more intelligently. That means transforming the current command-and-control, one-size-fits-all regulatory scheme into one that employs sound science and prioritizes risks.
And benefits my real constituents. Hey, guys! I'm looking out for you. How'm I doing so far?
For too long, these simple principles have been ignored by extremists in the environmental community.
Like scientists. We don't need no stinkin' scientists. We've got Michael Crichton!
Having twelve wonderful grandchildren,
And no fags in my family! None! Never!
I understand the importance of the preservation and protection of our environment for their future. However, in order to do this, we must strike a common-sense balance between environmental protection and economic reality.
It's still a hoax! People don't have any impact on the environment. Lalalalala.
Again, thank you for taking the time to express your concerns about environment.
Now shut up and go away, you crazy person, and let me get on with the business of business. I know she'll never vote for me, so why should I care what she thinks?
What's that? No, I left out the definite article before "environment" on purpose. It'll drive her crazier'n she already is.
The ideas that you suggested are very important to me, and I will be sure to keep your thoughtful comments in mind as I work to formulate new environmental policies in the 109th Congress.
Which totally ignore scientific consensus. Science? Feh. Who needs it?
See why I love this guy so much? He projects such a positive image of my state and her people to the rest of the country. Makes me proud to be a redstatelander. Yup. Proud.