Actually, my fantasy of the perfect October surprise.
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October 15 -- NEW YORK -- Celebrated right-wing columnist Ann Coulter stunned the world today by announcing that she was, in reality, a leftist performance artist named Faith Dershowitz.
Coulter/Dershowitz said the entire body of her work, including all of her books, columns and appearances on various talk shows were intentionally designed to be outrageously inflammatory in order to raise political interest in left-wing causes.
Dershowitz said she got her ideas by "thinking about what the most rational, compassionate and moral position might be, then writing the exact opposite. It's not so hard once you get the hang of it."
"Hell, I'm not even Christian," Dershowitz claimed. "I was raised in an orthodox Jewish household, but now I'm more of a Buddhist/Wiccan/Pastafarian than anything."
Dershowtiz also claims be to related to famed lawyer and left-wing pundit Alan Dershowitz. She stated he was "in" on her performance. "Oh sure, Uncle Al and I talked about it often. The whole thing about the 9/11 widows was his idea. I have to say, sometimes even I need the help of a lawyer to think really, really evil."
Dershowitz said that the idea was originally designed to last just six months, but she was "caught up" by the rapid rise to fame and wealth that followed her act. "It was a lot of fun, because you suddenly are this celebrity. But, it's kind of a trap, too. I almost came out during the Lauer interview because what I was saying was so anathema to my true feelings that I almost burst out crying. I feel so sorry for those women and how Bush and the rest of the Republicans failed them at every turn."
Asked why she decided to "come out" at this time, Dershowitz stated that the time and energy needed to be "the exact opposite of a real human being" was physically and emotionally draining. Plus, she said, "some of those right-wingers I had to hang out with are really creepy."
Coulter said her plans for the future are undefined at present. "I need some me time," she said. "I'm going trekking in the Himalayas, and I plan to spend some time in a Buddhist monastery. I need to cleanse my spirit."