The language of diplomacy is arcane, subtle, and extremely specific. So when Condi (Dear Wife) Rice used the words "provocative act" to describe the threat of North Korean missile launches a couple of weeks ago, my ears perked up.
"Provocative act. Hmm," I pondered. "That's a phrase you don't hear much. I wonder if it's DiploSpeak for something else."
Then the NKans did what any lunatic fringe authoritarian regime would do when warned not to do something - it launched the missiles. And the reaction from around the world began.
From wire service reports...
EU's foreign policy chief Javier Solana said the missile tests were "a provocative act which adds considerable tension to an already complex situation in the region, and runs counter to the non-proliferation efforts of the international community".
Britain's new foreign secretary Margaret Beckett added from London that North Korea's missile tests "are provocative, and only serve to raise tensions in the region".
In a statement from Brussels, the 26-nation NATO said, "North Korea's missile programs and provocative actions necessitate a firm response from the international community".
So now I'm even more curious. Did they all go to the same DiploSpeak school? What does this phrase mean? And more importantly what are the consequences?
When I was a kid, my mom used to say "don't provoke your brother" right before I got swatted on the behind for - well - provoking him. Which in my case was doing something like laying a lugie on his ice cream.
So I figure that in DiploSpeak, the consequences of a "provocative act" have to be pretty severe. I mean, I got swatted for spit. What the heck would the NKans get for using up all that rocket fuel and making nya-nya faces at the Japanese? I mean, they made the Japanese cry! Now, you're in trouble, I think. You're gonna get it.
I'm not a diplomat, so don't have a DiploSpeak/English dictionary. However, judging by the response from the UN Security Council, I think I have it figured out. Let me use an analogy from the TV show Cops.
You run a red light, and when you get pulled over, the cop sees that you have a loaded gun on your front seat, you're smoking meth, and have an open can of beer in the cupholder. To the cop in this case, the "provocative act" was driving without a seatbelt.
And the response? The cop makes you finish the beer, and tells you to recycle the can, dammit!