From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Howard Dean, you're out of line!!!
Yesterday courts in New York and Georgia said "No way!" to gay marriage. And the DNC chairman just had to stick his nose in it:
-
"Today's decision by the New York Court of Appeals, which relies on outdated and bigoted notions about families, is deeply disappointing..."
-
Oh really?? Well, let me tell you something, Doctor Poopydrawers. Yesterday my partner, Michael, and I spent our unmarried day waking up, making coffee, going to our jobs, walking our dog, cooking our meals, exchanging "I Love You's", paying our bills, watering our plants, driving our car, checking our email (or, as Senator Ted Stevens calls it, 'our internets'), talking about stuff, showering and brushing our teeth, waving to our neighbors, planning our weekend, listening to the radio and watching TV, obeying the laws of the land, answering the phone, reading the newspaper, gazing at the American flag that flies from our roof, blogging (whatever that is), not killing anybody, vacuuming hair off the floor (Michael sheds), doing dishes, reading a bit, and falling asleep.
Had the judges in New York or Georgia ruled in favor of gay marriage, we would've had no choice but to start fornicating with sheep, robbing banks, killing the memory of Christ, converting children and unleashing an epidemic of Bill and Michael Disease (you literally fart yourself to death, which sounds comical until you hit the third day when it quickly ceases to amuse).
On behalf of my partner and myself, we thank you, Court People, for saving us from ourselves. And you, Mr. Dean, can stick your dangerous tolerance and open-mindedness in a sock.
Cheers and Jeers repents---and if the price is right we'll even speak in tongues---in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 7, 2006
Note: Cheers and Jeers now softens hands while you blog. You're soaking in it now.
-
By the Numbers:
Days `til Pirates of the Caribbean II: 0
Days `til the Maine Lobster festival in Rockland: 26
"Condolence Payments" given to Iraqis in 2004: $5 million
Amount paid in 2005: $15 million
(Source: New York Times via The Week magazine. Condolence Payments are compensation for "civilian injuries and deaths due to American military actions.")
Chance that a federal judge has requested a government supplied home-security system since May, 2005 (post-Terri Schiavo kerfuffle): 3 in 4
(Source: Harper's Index)
And from the Department of No-Land Security:
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,572
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
-
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: It's not a jungle gym...it's a pootie gym!
-
Note #2: Due to crazy work hours (this is getting to be a pesky habit), I'm relying on you to fill in today's cheers and jeers. We trust you implicitly. But we would like to go on record with one JEERS. In this morning's Washington Post, Charles Krauthammer says:
-
1861. 1941. 2001. Our big wars---and the war on terrorism ranks with the big ones---have a way of starting in the first year of a decade.
-
I see. The war on terrorism ranks right up there with the American Civil War and World War II, huh? Really? Because here's the thing. If the War On Terrorism (it seems appropriate to capitalize it; I'm not sure why you didn't) was such a "big one," why did the conservatives in America---that's your team, Mr. Krauthammer---decide to abandon the war on terrorism to invade Iraq? Wouldn't that be like Lincoln marching on Mexico to put down the Confederacy? Or Roosevelt declaring war on Hitler and then invading Madagascar?
I don't understand, Mr. Krauthammer, probably because I'm just a silly blogger. Perhaps you could explain it to us in your next column. Right after you've purchased your War Bonds, plucked a few radishes from your Victory Garden, and lowered your blackout curtains.
-
One Year Ago in C&J: July 7, 2005:
JEERS to bloody reminders. Terrorists rear their ugly heads as six explosions rip through London during morning rush hour. So far: 40 dead, 300 injured (this eerie image will undoubtedly be one of the most-published photos in the press), and at least one double-decker bus that even Triple-A won't touch. Our thoughts go out to the victims...our contempt to the assholes who did it.
P.S. Memo to Bush: Easy on the rhetoric, pal. You always seem to make things worse.
CHEERS to a bonny old spot of competition. London nabs the 2012 Olympic Games from under France's nose. Cheer up Jacques---you'll always have Paris.
JEERS to journalists in the Twilight Zone. Man, this is batshit crazy. While Time magazine's Matt Cooper agrees to testify about the anonymous sources who gave him info on the Valerie Plame leak, the New York Times's Judy "Mouthpiece for the Neocons" Miller goes to the slammer to protect hers. And on his way to work today, Bob Novak whistled a happy tune. As soon as I post this, I'm going back to bed.
-
And just one more...
CHEERS to the inmates running the asylum. Question: How do you know when Bill has left the C&J bungalow (as we did last week) in the care of the C&J surrogates? Answer: If you look real close you'll notice that the lights are off. Other than that you can hardly tell.
Have a super summer weekend. Pierce a nipple---anyone's will do. Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's shameless testimonial:
"I usually party on through the night, then go straight out to Cheers and Jeers. That's how the Spaniards do it. I've never been so scared in my life, but I can't describe the adrenaline. What a feeling!"
---Skippy Haisma
Some Australian boozer
-