Washington, DC (Snark) -- Connecticut for Lieberman Senate candidate Joe Lieberman and his campaign suggested today that Ned Lamont and his "angry lefty blogger" base may have been behind this morning's news of a thwarted terror attack in the U.K.
"Everyone knows that Ned Lamont represents a bunch of liberal hippies who would stop at nothing to bring down the symbols of the united U.S.-U.K. anti-terror alliance, whether it's a series of airplanes, or a campaign web site," said a campaign spokesman/senior Administration official.
"Is it irresponsible to speculate?" continued the spokesman. "It would be irresponsible not to. We can only imagine that it was an enemy of Joe Lieberman and his campaign who would attack his web site, because his campaign would never shoot itself in the foot, and it's unheard of in politics for someone to attack themselves and blame their opponent. Therefore, because Ned Lamont would attack Joe Lieberman, hating him because he's strong on national security, or at least sucking up to our president, Lamont and his campaign and his internet-based liberal supporters must have been behind the British airplane terror plot."
The Lamont campaign was baffled by the charges. "What the hell?" asked Tom Swan. "We're still hung over from Tuesday night's victory party. We haven't touched a computer since election night. Besides, what's that got to do with Connecticut? We're empowering voters to encourage their leaders to end the cycle of mindless violence, not fuel it."
Sources at the White House dismissed Swan's claims of innocence. "The Lamont campaign is guilty until proven innocent," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "All Democrats are, except Joe Lieberman, because he's our special friend. Right, Joe?"
Lieberman, who happened to be spending the night at the White House "for totally unrelated reasons, of course," agreed. "Just because we don't yet know who was behind this planned attack doesn't mean it wasn't my opponents, because anyone who doesn't like me, or our president, must hate America. I trust the president to find the guilty parties, and see that they pose no further threat to the Republic, or my Senate seat, ever again. Because that's what democracy's about."
Anonymous sources at the White House expressed confidence that Lamont's campaign would be implicated in both cases. "We construct our own reality," said a high-ranking strategist. "You just live in it. Or at Guantanamo. Your choice." When told that nobody from the Lamont campaign had even been out of the country in the previous four months, the source was unfazed. "That's an awful lot of work to line up an alibi," he said. "Sounds like they knew they'd be needing one, doesn't it?"
When this reporter mentioned that Osama Bin Laden was still on the loose almost five years after the attacks of September 11, 2001, the source became surly and suggested that "hundreds" of Democratic politicians and "hundreds of millions" of "extremist, liberal, anti-war, Bush-hating Americans" had also remained on the loose since September 11, and he didn't hear anyone complaining about them, did he. "That's the real enemy," said the source. "You think we give a rat's ass about Osama?"