I just returned from my second cousin's wedding - a lesbian wedding - that took place in a high-profile, old-school, wealthy right wing community in the deep-ish South. The beautiful, elegant, casual yet in most ways traditional ceremony - and the family involvement that made it happen - brought tears to my eyes. My second cousin and her partner looked beautiful. The love and absolute commitment between them was palpable - rarely have I seen such pure, raw emotion in most heterosexual weddings I've attended (my own aside - I was just remarried in April!)
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This wedding was thrown by the parents of my cousin's partner - a well-to-do family with deep land connections in one of the wealthiest areas of the South. Their attitude was pretty clear - we adore our daughter unconditionally, and we're gonna throw her a great party no matter who she chooses to marry. In this very conservative, red state environment, the openness, love and acceptance blew my mind. I met staunch, traditional Southerners (with deep Civil war connections on the Confederate side, whose not-so-distant ancestors were very much involved in the founding of this particular resort area) - including my cousin's partner's 92 year old grandparents - who were on-scene and were as supportive as you could imagine. In fact, both grandma's - the 90 something year old and my own 85-year old, staunch New England Yankee aunt - were cutting up the dance floor at one point; singing out loud to "I Will Survive" and "We Are Family."
My (second) cousin just turned 30, and though I've followed every detail of her growing up, distance had prevented us from meeting until last night. Except about five years ago, her mom, who I am close to, called me to tell me that her daughter had just announced that she was gay. They were then living a very small, very backward Southern town and my second cousin's dad had not initially reacted well to the news. At that time, he didn't want anyone else in this very large, normally very close family to know. So her mom asked me if I would email her daughter, since I was the one person in the family she trusted, and since she had no one else in the family to talk to. That's because I've always been a rebel, a maverick, the one who struck out on my own and moved to the heathen city of L.A. (and now N.Y.!) - who made daring documentaries and (to their mind, anyway), never cared what anyone thought. My second cousin's mom also knew that my dad and my own late mother - also a rebel - are artists/intellectuals of sorts and always had a large circle of gay friends (I had a lot of very colorful, single "uncles" growing up.) Though the rest of the family aren't bigots by any means, actually having a close, much-loved child admitting to being gay really threw them. They simply froze up for a while.
My second cousin and I began an email correspondence that was intense. I hooked her up to some support groups and newsletters and blogs (including John Aravoisis') and told her some stories of friends of mine who had gone through the same hell - and much worse - with their families. We became so close, we decided that she would become my little sister (we're both only children, so a self-selected sibling is a blessing to both of us.) That's how it felt when we met last night. We were both in tears.
By last night, the family "freeze" was clearly a thing of the past. At least half of our side of the family was there, and her dad, my own cousin, couldn't have been more proud and happy for his little girl. He gave a reading at the ceremony that was beautiful and heartfelt. This truly was a joyful occasion for all.
And it made me realize that, if this kind of open, all-embracing celebration of same sex love can happen with these two families, in a state that (I don't think) even recognizes civil unions, let alone marriage, then this is very indicative of the pulse of REAL AMERICA. I believe real America is very much over this anti-gay culture war bullshit that the neo-con/fundamentalist Christian right has been slamming down our throats for the past six years. Just like the Terry Schiavo fiasco touched Americans were it hurts - so many of us have gone through similar, heart-wrenching but VERY PRIVATE family life-or-death decisions - so, too, do most Americans have a gay person in their life that they care for very much. I believe our empathy still works - because when someone close to us is unfairly persecuted, then we feel that we are too. Hear that, right-wing trolls? This wedding was amongst conservative people - in all probability, mostly moderate Republicans - in the Deep South. And these people are CLEARLY SO OVER you guys playing the homosexual uggah-boogah card. They don't buy it any more. Not at all. So hang it up - the game is over.
The highlight of this beautiful wedding was the wishing stone ceremony. My second cousin and her partner had collected a bowl of perfectly smooth, shiny river stones, and had them next to a bucket filled with rose petals. Every guest was to pick up a stone, make a personal wish on it, and drop it in the bucket. The new couple will use these stones filled with the wishes of those who love them in their backyard garden.
I wished that this night was a symbol of the love and cooperation that still lives in the world of possibility for America, if we continue to shout against evil with all of our voices, and if we continue to never let anyone even dare try and place limits on our ability to love.