WASHINGTON, DC - In a Pentagon briefing, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld unveiled the latest comprehensive strategy for the U.S Defense Department, a Multi-Level Defense Strategy.
"So, I would first like to mention that I have been harshly criticized and rebuked by members of the media for the last 4 years. But you know what? I don't mind. We've had a plan this whole time, people. I mean, come on, did you really think I was this incompetent? I'm Don Rumsfeld. Have we wanted to lose in Iraq and Afghanistan? Not exactly. Are we doing as we planned all along? You betcha," Rumsfeld started off the briefing. "See, here's the thing, when I came in to this job, the U.S. military budget was astronomical. We spend more on defense than the rest of the world combined. This is simply untenable. So, with the help of former Amway CEO, Dick Devos, and a tremendous amount of foresight by many members of President Bush's White House, we started to implement the Defense Department strategy for the 21st Century: Amfense, which I am now unveiling to you all"
Rumsfeld continued his briefing by delving into some specifics of the new Defense Department Amfense Strategy.
"How does Amfense work? Well, it's simple. The U.S starts a war or two: Afghanistan, Iraq. What then? Here's where it gets revolutionary, instead of winning the wars and just packing up and going home, we leave the countries like powder kegs. Why would we do this? So that other wars start without our having to start them. As you can see from the diagram I have presented, this leads to another level of armed conflict, or as we say: Residual War," Rumsfeld explained. "How does the U.S benefit from this? Overrides, that's how. If we just make arms to use to fight our own wars, we are not gaining any benefit from that, we are just spending money. But if we make arms that we can then sell to others, as Overrides, to other countries, then we start to see the benefits of the Multi-Level Strategy. Right now, every dollar we spend fighting in Iraq just goes to Iraq. Pretty soon, if a full out civil war breaks out as we have planned from the beginning and Turkey, Iran, and Syria get involved, well then we start selling arms to all those sides and voila, for every 1 dollar we're spending in Iraq, we're getting another 3 dollars back in Overrides, or `Residual Income', without having to do anything at all. That is the magic of a Multi-Level Defense Strategy, or as some might call it, Network War Marketing. That is the brilliance of Amfense."
Rumsfeld completed his briefing by asking himself a few more rhetorical questions.
"Will this be messy? Of course. Will this cost thousands and thousands of lives? It's war, what do you expect? Will we win? We don't have to, that's the beauty."
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