I've made a new invention, inspired by the supremely clever
karateexplosions*. My invention translates Bushspeak to something real Americans can understand, and it brushes aside the cobwebs of the lies - I mean
moral and intellectual confusion that trips from Bush's mouth as easily as proselytizing comes from a fundamentalist's tongue. It's hard work to come to a reasonable translation (the Bushspeak is obfuscating and riddled with inaacuracy), but I think the Bush-o-Tron 2006 has done an admirable job.
Bush
gave a speech yesterday, and I ran it through the Bush-o-Tron 2006. Here's a selection of what it came up with from Bush's speech. (What he actually said is in bold, because he's a Bold Preznit; the Bush-o-Tron's translation follows in regular print.)
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I am pleased also to stand with members of the diplomatic corps, including many representing nations that have been attacked by al Qaeda and its terrorist allies since September the 11th, 2001. (Applause.) Your presence here reminds us that we're engaged in a global war against an enemy that threatens all civilized nations. And today the civilized world stands together to defend our freedom; we stand together to defeat the terrorists; and were working to secure the peace for generations to come.
I have to stand here with members of the diplomatic corps, who I think are all useless pussies, and who got roped into my War on Terra without knowing what a travesty it would turn out to be. Your presence here reminds us that I roped you into a travesty of a "war" against a nebulous enemy that I have baited into attacking civilized nations. And the United States. Today we stand together because it wouldn't be diplomatic of you to tell me to go fuck myself. We are working together to secure oil for generations to come.
I appreciate my Attorney General joining us today, Al Gonzales.
There was a glitch in the wiretapping, so Al had to actually be here.
Next week, America will mark the fifth anniversary of September the 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks. As this day approaches, it brings with it a flood of painful memories. We remember the horror of watching planes fly into the World Trade Center, and seeing the towers collapse before our eyes. We remember the sight of the Pentagon, broken and in flames. We remember the rescue workers who rushed into burning buildings to save lives, knowing they might never emerge again. We remember the brave passengers who charged the cockpit of their hijacked plane, and stopped the terrorists from reaching their target and killing more innocent civilians. We remember the cold brutality of the enemy who inflicted this harm on our country -- an enemy whose leader, Osama bin Laden, declared the massacre of nearly 3,000 people that day -- I quote -- "an unparalleled and magnificent feat of valor, unmatched by any in humankind before them."
9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Terra terra terra! Be afraid! Be very afraid! And since I'm talking about bin Laden again because polls show that I'm tanking in Iraq, would you kindly please conveniently forget that I said, not two years after the Terra Attacks, "We haven't heard much from [bin Laden]. And I wouldn't necessarily say he's at the center of any command structure. And, again, I don't know where he is. I'll repeat what I said. I truly am not that concerned about him. I know he is on the run."
Most recently, they attempted to strike again in the most ambitious plot since the attacks of September the 11th -- a plan to blow up passenger planes headed for America over the Atlantic Ocean.
It was a plot that I rushed to "completion" before British officials were ready to wrap it up because to do so would be politically expedient for me. And you'll notice that you haven't heard much about that plot lately. Know why? Because the investigation was so incomplete that some of the suspects had to be released with no charges, and they were still mounting their investigation. It wasn't, in fact, a full-out plot like I said it was, and I totally blew it because my poll numbers were tanking and I needed the boost that Terra always gives me. Though God and Jesus alone know why I get that bounce, since I haven't done squat to improve security for the "homeland," and, in fact, recently tried to cut funding for bomb detection.
Five years after our nation was attacked, the terrorist danger remains.
Because not only am I ineffective at protecting the "homeland," largely due to stupidity and incompetence, but also because I have created a whole new front in the War on Terra by invading a country that had nothing to do with 9-11. Terra terra terra!
We're a nation at war -- and America and her allies are fighting this war with relentless determination across the world.
We're a nation at war because I was bound and determined to become a War Preznit so as to secure my legacy. We will fight this war with stubborn wrongheadedness as long as I'm president. Because I'm a War Preznit, see. I have a legacy to create. 9-11 9-11 9-11! Terra terra terra! You scared yet?
Together with our coalition partners, we've removed terrorist sanctuaries, disrupted their finances, killed and captured key operatives, broken up terrorist cells in America and other nations, and stopped new attacks before they're carried out. We're on the offense against the terrorists on every battlefront -- and we'll accept nothing less than complete victory.
Together with Great Britain, about the only people who want to be seen with us any more (and even they're dodgy about it), we've created terrorist sanctuaries (in Iraq), disrupted their finances, killed and captured one single key operative, gone after wackos in New York (the guy who was gonna take down the Brooklyn Bridge with a blowtorch, all on his lonesome) and Miami (those crazy homeless guys a few months back), and taken credit for stopping terror attacks like the liquid bomb one in Great Britain even as we hampered the actual operation. We're offensive! We'll accept nothing less than my being seen by history as a War Preznit. Oh, and all the oil in the world. We want that, too.
We know what the terrorists intend to do because they've told us -- and we need to take their words seriously.
Unlike I did on August 6, 2001, when the Presidential Daily Briefing told me that "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US." We've really loved having the "no one could have anticipated" excuse, and it's served us well in so many of our fuckups, but there's only so many times we can use it before we're called on our bullshit. So I say - because I'm good at saying stuff even if I don't mean it - that we're going to finally start taking these Terr'ists seriously. (Fingers crossed behind back)
The terrorists who attacked us on September the 11th, 2001, are men without conscience -- but they're not madmen.
They're people like me, and ol' Dead-Eye Dick, and my good buddy Rummy. We're not crazy, we're just bastards.
They kill in the name of a clear and focused ideology, a set of beliefs that are evil, but not insane.
Like <strike>finding weapons of mass destruction</strike> <strike>bringing democracy to Iraq.</strike> getting all the oil in Iraq for ourselves.
We know what this radical empire would look like in practice, because we saw how the radicals imposed their ideology on the people of Afghanistan. Under the rule of the Taliban and al Qaeda, Afghanistan was a totalitarian nightmare -- a land where women were imprisoned in their homes, men were beaten for missing prayer meetings, girls could not go to school, and children were forbidden the smallest pleasures like flying kites. Religious police roamed the streets, beating and detaining civilians for perceived offenses. Women were publicly whipped. Summary executions were held in Kabul's soccer stadium in front of cheering mobs.
We know what this radical empire would look like in practice, because we're trying out our own Very Special American version of it. We see how the radicals are imposing their ideology on the people of the United States (most recently in South Dakota). Under my rule, America is becoming a totalitarian nightmare - a land where women are still blamed for their own rapes and murders, men are tortured to get useless years-old information about Terr'ists, girls cannot get Plan B without a prescription, and children are forbidden the smallest pleasures like having Creationism not being taught as science. Religious police roam the country, deriding and holier-than-thouing citizens who don't worship at the altar of Dubya, calling them "heathens," "treasonists," and asking, "Why do you hate America?"
These radicals have declared their uncompromising hostility to freedom.
By extolling and passing the PATRIOT Act, among other things. (See Shiavo, et al.)
After the liberation of Afghanistan, coalition forces searching through a terrorist safe house in that country found a copy of the al Qaeda charter. This charter states that "there will be continuing enmity until everyone believes in Allah. We will not meet [the enemy] halfway. There will be no room for dialogue with them." Another document was found in 2000 by British police during an anti-terrorist raid in London -- a grisly al Qaeda manual that includes chapters with titles such as "Guidelines for Beating and Killing Hostages."
We are taking the "no compromise" bit from the al Qaeda charter, since it fits our needs so handily. And we're taking the chapters from the manual for when we're torturing our own prisoners and sending them off to other countries to be tortured to give ourselves plausible deniability. It's only grisly when al Qaeda does it, ya know. When we do it, it's "per-tectin' Amurrica." Terrists terrists terrists! Be afraid! 9-11!
These terrorists hope to drive America and our coalition out of Afghanistan, so they can restore the safe haven they lost when coalition forces drove them out five years ago.
Even though we cut and run from Afghanistan to go play in the sandbox that is Iraq, and even though Pakistan said bin Laden could have safe haven in that country - "would not be taken into custody," Major General Shaukat Sultan Khan told ABC News in a telephone interview, "as long as one is being like a peaceful citizen." (Yeah, sure, they're denying it now, but if Pakistan doesn't deny it, they know they'll become part of my trademarked Axis of Evil and will be officially On My List. I mean, come on, we all know bin Laden's in Pakistan, anyway.) Oh, and by the way, I approved the truce that Pakistan is currently working on with the Taliban. You know, those people I'm bragging that we took out in Afghanistan, but that I'm totally lying through my teeth about.
But they've made clear that the most important front in their struggle against America is Iraq -- the nation bin Laden has declared the "capital of the Caliphate." Hear the words of bin Laden: "I now address... the whole... Islamic nation: Listen and understand... The most... serious issue today for the whole world is this Third World War... [that] is raging in [Iraq]." He calls it "a war of destiny between infidelity and Islam." He says, "The whole world is watching this war," and that it will end in "victory and glory or misery and humiliation." For al Qaeda, Iraq is not a distraction from their war on America -- it is the central battlefield where the outcome of this struggle will be decided.
Of course, it wouldn't have been a central battlefield if I hadn't pretty much unilaterally decided to invade Iraq for no damn good reason at all. I mean, can you believe the gall of these people not liking the fact that an imperialistic nation has, for no reason besides greed and desire for oil, invaded and completely trashed a Middle Eastern country? What the fuck is wrong with all these brown people, anyway?
Now, I know some of our country hear the terrorists' words, and hope that they will not, or cannot, do what they say. History teaches that underestimating the words of evil and ambitious men is a terrible mistake. ... In the 1920s, a failed Austrian painter published a book in which he explained his intention to build an Aryan super-state in Germany and take revenge on Europe and eradicate the Jews. The world ignored Hitler's words, and paid a terrible price. His Nazi regime killed millions in the gas chambers, and set the world aflame in war, before it was finally defeated at a terrible cost in lives.
The people who don't think like I think are Nazis! Nazi nazi nazi! Al Qaeda al Qaeda al Qaeda! Terrists! 9-11! Ooga booga!
Bin Laden and his terrorist allies have made their intentions as clear as Lenin and Hitler before them. The question is: Will we listen? Will we pay attention to what these evil men say?
Lissen up, Amurrica! An evil man is speaking!
Five years into this struggle, it's important to take stock of what's been accomplished -- and the difficult work that remains. Al Qaeda has been weakened by our sustained offensive against them, and today it is harder for al Qaeda's leaders to operate freely, to move money, or to communicate with their operatives and facilitators. Yet al Qaeda remains dangerous and determined.
Five years into this struggle, it's important to take stock of what's been accomplished - and just how mothafuckin' much is left to be done because I talk a good game but have done squat to stop the Terr'ists. The Terr'ists can only operate in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan now, Saudi Arabia, handful of other Middle Eastern and African states. Al Qaeda remains dangerous and determined because I am a completely useless fuckstick.
Like al Qaeda and the Sunni extremists, the Iranian regime has clear aims: They want to drive America out of the region, to destroy Israel, and to dominate the broader Middle East.
So watch out, you Iranian motherfuckers! This cowboy's coming after you next!
Hezbollah, the source of the current instability in Lebanon, has killed more Americans than any terrorist organization except al Qaeda. Unlike al Qaeda, they've not yet attacked the American homeland. Yet they're directly responsible for the murder of hundreds of Americans abroad. It was Hezbollah that was behind the 1983 bombing of the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut that killed 241 Americans. And Saudi Hezbollah was behind the 1996 bombing of Khobar Towers in Saudi Arabia that killed 19 Americans, an attack conducted by terrorists who we believe were working with Iranian officials.
And while we're talking about the number of Americans killed by those evil brown people, let me toss another coupla numbers atcha. On September 11, 2001, 2973 people were killed. And And we're rapidly closing in on that number of American dead in Iraq alone. Won't be long now, folks!
America will not bow down to tyrants.
Except for Congress, who not only bow down, but daily give thorough rimjobs to the tyrant.
Imagine a world in which they were able to control governments, a world awash with oil and they would use oil resources to punish industrialized nations. And they would use those resources to fuel their radical agenda, and pursue and purchase weapons of mass murder.
Imagine a world in which Amurrica didn't control most of the oil, by proxy if not directly! It's all about the oil, people, and if you can't understand that, then you're a Nazi!
And armed with nuclear weapons, they would blackmail the free world, and spread their ideologies of hate, and raise a mortal threat to the American people. If we allow them to do this, if we retreat from Iraq, if we don't uphold our duty to support those who are desirous to live in liberty, 50 years from now history will look back on our time with unforgiving clarity, and demand to know why we did not act.
If we let other nations develop like we've developed, they might behave like we do, throwing their itty-bitty schlongs all over the world trying to be War Preznits like me! If I back down now in Iraq, which had nothing at all to do with the War on Terra until I swaggered in there like some kind of World Sherrif, they'll know I'm all hat, no cattle. And also, that I have a little bitty peter.
First, we're determined to prevent terrorist attacks before they occur.
In a way we never did before, no matter what we keep saying.
So we're taking the fight to the enemy. The best way to protect America is to stay on the offense.
Even if it's offensive to everybody else in the rest of the world. Fuck the world, you peace-loving pussy frogs!
We're also fighting the enemy here at home.
Like when we caught the perpetrator of the anthrax attacks shortly after 9-11. 9-11 9-11 9-11! Terra terra terra!
We passed the Patriot Act to break down the wall that prevented law enforcement and intelligence from sharing vital information.
We passed the Patriot Act to break down the basic civil liberties of every Amurrican, especially those who hate Amurrica.
We created the Terrorist Surveillance Program to monitor the communications between al Qaeda commanders abroad and terrorist operatives within our borders.
We created the Terrorist Surveillance Program to listen in on you, and especially to our political enemies. Those fuckin' Amurrica haters.
If al Qaeda is calling somebody in America, we need to know why, in order to stop attacks.
And we don't need no steenkin' warrants for that! Even though we could do this lawfully by getting a FISA warrant, we won't, goddammit. And you know why? Because we're above the law! Unitary executive! Unitary executive! Unitary executive! Terra terra terra!
...we're working to deny terrorists new recruits, by defeating their hateful ideology and spreading the hope of freedom -- by spreading the hope of freedom across the Middle East.
Because we sure didn't give them new recruits by invading Iraq for no damn good reason, and through our continued dick-swinging policies all over the world. Nosirree! Also, a little-known fact: even though the Terr'ists hate us for our freedom, spreading "freedom" in the Middle East is gonna vanquish those damn Terr'ists! Because they didn't fuck with us before there was "freedom" in the Middle East, like on September 11, 2001, or anything.
The experience of September the 11th made clear, in the long run, the only way to secure our nation is to change the course of the Middle East.
The experience of September the 11th made clear, in the long run, the only way to secure my continued political power is to scare the bejeezus out of Amurricans and to say "9-11" and "Terr'ist" as much as possible. And to conflate completely unrelated experiences (like 9-11 and Iraq) as often as I possibly can, even after I've publicly admitted that Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11.
We fight for this day, because the security of our own citizens depends on it. This is the great ideological struggle of the 21st century -- and it is the calling of our generation. All civilized nations are bound together in this struggle between moderation and extremism. By coming together, we will roll back this grave threat to our way of life. We will help the people of the Middle East claim their freedom, and we will leave a safer and more hopeful world for our children and grandchildren.
We fight for this day, because the security of my Preznitcy depends on it. This is the great ideological struggle of the 21st century - and it is the calling of Me and Karl Rove. All civilized nations are bound together in this struggle because I dragged them in and there's no graceful out. By coming together under my Plan for Continued Destruction of Everything the American Populace Holds Dear, we will cause the founders of Amurrica to roll in their graves. We will help the people of the Middle East continue giving us their oil, and if they don't, we will bomb the everlovin' fuck out of them, leaving a more dangerous world and crippling deficits from the cost of my many, many follies for our children and grandchildren.
God bless.
God bless Me! Terra terra terra! 9-11 9-11 9-11 Don't forget to be scared, y'all!
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*Though karateexplosions is so brilliant as to be virtually inimitable, I have taken this format in humble homage. Imitation, even a pale rendition such as this one, is the highest form of flattery.