Hello, America, we're the Democratic Party. We're here today to urge you not to vote for us in 2008. You may be thoroughly fed up with Republican misrule. You may be with us on any number of issues. But we want to encourage you to overlook our areas of agreement.
We're absolutely certain that if you give it enough consideration, you'll find a reason to vote against us. If nothing occurs to you, we'll help! And if, for some reason, you still decide to give us your impure, defective vote in 2008 -- we'll reject it! We're the Democrats, we don't want your stinking votes.
Reasons to vote against us -->
We admit that, at first glance, our Party might sound pretty appealing. You probably don't like the war in Iraq is going, and neither do we. You may remember the general sense of competence you felt from the last time the Executive was in Democratic hands. No doubt you're concerned about health care as are we; all our candidates are running on significant health care reform platforms. You may be concerned about shoring up social security, tax fairness, accessibility to higher education, the budget deficit -- really, there are any number of reasons why you may be thinking of voting for us.
Forget it!
We have a long list of reasons that we don't want your vote. Even if you're willing to vote for us knowing that you're voting for one or more policies you don't agree with, please don't. It's not you we're concerned about, it's our own purity. Frankly, we'd rather lose without your vote than win with it.
- First off, you may not be completely on board with our party over immigration. You may even be kind of bigoted on this score. If that's true -- if you oppose efforts to help immigrants, if you want to withhold public services from them, if you want an aggressive policy of finding, arresting, and deporting them -- we don't want your vote.
- If you don't believe in global warming (an issue we intend to address), we don't want your vote.
- If you don't like gay people, and don't support full and equal rights (which we intend to push for), we don't want your vote.
- If you don't want to see the top income tax bracket raised (which we will probably need to do), we don't want your vote.
- If you're genuinely worried about terrorism, please vote elsewhere.
- If you favor abstinence over sex education, buzz off.
- If you're a devout Christian who doesn't like the separation of church and state, we don't want your vote.
- If you're against abortion rights, no thanks.
- If you believe that the US gives too much foreign aid, don't vote for us because we'll probably increase it.
- If you don't think arts and humanities should be funded by the government, please don't vote for us. We love the NEA.
- If you think women should stay at home, we support their right to work. Don't vote for us.
- If you don't want government run or mandated health care, don't vote for us.
- If you don't think the government has an interest in public health, for instance in reducing smoking, don't vote for us.
- If you don't like black people, or hispanics, or jews, or catholics, or indians (hindu or native american), or anyone else, you've come to the wrong place.
I understand that you may be willing to look past some of these differences. You may say "okay, I don't believe in global warming, but we just have to get these Republican jokers out of the White House". Or you may say "it's worth accepting some gay civil rights if we can just get the budget balanced". Please don't be so reasonable! Don't you see it will pain us no end to have to accept your vote! And we won't -- we'll tear it up. We'll demand that it not be counted! Or we'll find some way to go out of our way to make sure you don't vote for us. We're good at this. We're Democrats.
If you still want to vote in the 2008 election, may a I suggest the Republicans? It's true, they suck -- but they're so low they'll take a vote from anyone.