There is a "crisis" in my community. I think it may be a political opportunity. Please help me – oh ye wise oracle of kos-community - with some advice on how I might proceed.
I, along with my strong, loving wife and my above average child, live in a suburban community on the edge of a mid-size city in the purpling southland of America.
We have a "homeowners’ association" arrangement, whereby we pay $50 per month and receive certain services – including a community swimming pool! – in exchange for our compliance with the "community covenants" that we had to sign as condition of purchasing our lovely property in this lovely subdivision community.
If I’m losing you, ye more energy efficient of my fellow kossacks, let me quickly state the case:
This community I live in, this suburban utopia, this electoral precinct that went 66% for G. Felix "Macaca" Allen in the last general election, may be ripe for political education!
It all started with the weeds – no it was the mailboxes, yes the mailboxes whose whitewashed wooden posts were scarred at the base with the weedeaters. Yes that’s it. The weedeaters!
To make a long story short: Busted! Yeh, my neighbors were busted, Busted for the weedeatering, that scarred the post, on their official "community covenant" mailbox. The shame! They were busted! Along with about 80% of my other neighbors in this community of about 800 homes. Oh the humanity! I know this ugly fact because my strong, loving wife extracted it from the "community manager" via telephone call torture . . . ah, I mean interrogation . . . . Oh she’s good, that wife of mine. I tell her everything – well most everything.
Well to be honest, our neighbors are multiple alleged violators. They also have a basketball hoop, which is "out of compliance" with the rules that were passed by the "Homeowner’s Association Board of Directors" last year, four years after we moved into this lovely, close-knit, human-oriented community of like minds, flabby kids, and firm property values.
We would not have known any of this – I mean, we were not cited for any violations, we got no nastygram from the "Community Compliance Committee" – and I’m not saying we’re perfect. Why there’s a crack in the exterior trim above our living room window that for the life of me I can’t understand why the compliance police didn’t notice. And I’m going to fix it this weekend. I swear.
We did notice a week or so ago that our neighbors were awful cold all of a sudden. I mean, we are not exactly the best of friends, but we try to be civil! But all of a sudden they were cold! Like, you know what I mean, you walk out of the door and they’re standing there and they jerk the leash on their toy schnauzer and whoa, they are gone in the house!
I mean we do have friends in this neighborhood. That’s how we found out about the nastygrams. All of a sudden everybody is like real suspicious of each other and then when you get talking you find out all these perfectly nice people with pretty nice properties are really upset! They got a nastygram! Did their neighbor like rat on them or something? That would make me cold, I gotta say!
So my wife calls the "community manager" and the story is: Yah, like 80% of the homes are cited for "alleged violations" – but don’t quote me on that number! – and some of the houses have like four violations! – and what would you do if your neighbor’s shutters were falling off?
My wife wants to know about the weedeater marks around the neighbor’s mailbox post and why would the "Compliance Committee" send out cold notices about such "violations" without explaining the inspection regime that was carried out by Elvira Gulch and her witchy pals on the "Compliance Committee" instead of leaving the impression that maybe neighbors were snitching on neighbors about weedeaterings on mailbox posts? I mean WTF?
Well now the rumors are turning into resolve. The grapevine has spoken and the feces are poised to be flown. There’s a "Homeowner’s Association Board of Directors" meeting coming up, and folks are sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches.
Question, oh ye well of democratic enlightenment, ye oracle of kosslandia! How can we make the Republicans pay and the Democrats benefit from this brouhaha?
I’m open for suggestions.