As some readers may know, many members of The Seminal staff have become Washington insiders. That means we’re sometimes privy to special information the rest of the country will only hear about weeks, even years later. Sorry.
Through our special contacts, we’ve managed to obtain exclusive access to the GOP’s domestic agenda for the future, which they’ve hastily put together in case by some chance their candidate wins the presidency next year. As the war in Iraq continues to go badly, the war in Afghanistan stagnates, the War on Terror loses all meaning, and the War on Drugs turns into a complete defeat (I think the potheads are winning), the GOP needs a new war. With the nation demanding more attention to domestic issues, a fireworks show in Iran might not be enough. They’re looking for something similar to the War on Drugs, but with a catchier name. Here are their other war targets, all of them equally terrifying:
Fight human affection aka the War on Hugs
Battle America’s caffeine addiction aka the War on Mugs
Eliminate insects aka the War on Bugs
Push back against commercial weed pushers…the War on Nugs
Speak out against urban youth…the War on Thugs
Target underage fratboy drinking…the War on Chugs
Electricity-free by 2015…the War on Plugs
All hardwood floors by 2020…the War on Rugs
Combat cool shoes…the War on Lugz
Fight fashion failures…the War on Uggs
Destroy cute dogs…the War on Pugs
Take a stand against ambivalence…the War on Shrugs
Attack slimy creatures who can’t keep up in the Information
Age…the War on Slugs
Arbitrarily designate some first names as unpatriotic…the War on Dougs
Resist the strange noises people make in their throats…the War on Glugs
And finally, to restore America’s eroded family values:
Say No to breast implants…the War on Juggs
Defeat handjobs…the War on Tugs
We hope you will join The Seminal in our valiant efforts to fight against the GOP’s diabolical agenda and get our country back on track. We cannot afford another 4 [or 8] years of pointless war.
(Oh, and for any of you Washington insiders reading this, any wars I might have left out?)