Academic anthropologists and sociologists are unanimous these days in assuring us that human beings are an innately social species that requires, nay, CRAVES the company of other human beings. And, of course, evolutionary theory assumes that the ultimate purpose of all this gregariousness is the continuation of our genes through the act of reproduction; thus sexual ecstasy is the ultimate experience of joy and its purpose, the production of babies and lengthy nurturing thereof, is the end-all and be-all of an ordinary mortal’s existence, at least those of us who don’t wear thousand-dollar suits and carry nuclear code briefcases.
All of this meaning that those of us who, for whatever reason, are not ABSOLUTELY enamored of children, who do not drool over baby pictures and respond in a Pavlovian manner to the invocation of Childhood, are social misfits and have Something Seriously Wrong with our minds. Everyone knows that old women keep Cats as a substitute for the children they either never had or no longer have. But gazing lovingly upon my sublimely striped strawberry-blond Ninja Kitty, and remembering fondly the Siamese who taught me All That Is Necessary To Know, I simply cannot believe that this is so. To me (and to the Cats) it is obvious that some few among us are beckoned to a Higher Calling, the service of which is both infinitely more manageable in modern life than the archaic demands of human reproduction, and ultimately more delightful. Therefore, with the assistance of Master Alistair McBrid, I offer the following considerations as to why a RATIONAL human being should prefer to share her life with sleek, clean, beautiful predators with long teeth and claws rather than mere genetic offspring:
- They smell better.
- They’re soft and fuzzy.
- They wash themselves.
- They’re fully potty-trained in nine weeks.
- You can leave them Home Alone safely while you shop and work.
- They’re happy to see you when you get home.
- You can let them outside in areas where there isn’t lots of traffic, and they won’t destroy the neighbors’ gardens OR fall down a dark hole to nowhere OR get their foot stuck on a rusty nail.
- They’re QUIET.
- They cost less to feed.
- They don’t complain about what you feed them.
- You don’t have to buy them clothes.
- They don’t complain about the clothes you buy them.
- You can completely control their sex lives with one almost-painless, socially-approved surgical procedure.
- They keep roaches and rodents OUT of the house, they don’t bring them home for dinner. Or if they do, they eat them.
- Nobody reports you as a pervert when you let them sleep in your bed.
- They keep you warm at night.
- They’re not too embarassed to cuddle.
- You can both sit on the couch at the same time.
- They don’t listen to obnoxious music at high volume.
- You will never have to pay for their college education.
- They will never whine to borrow the car keys.
- They will never need their own cell phone.
- They will never hog the shower all morning when you’re trying to get to work.
- They don’t obsess about their appearance – they KNOW they’re always beautiful.
- They enjoy being told they’re beautiful.
- They will never make you feel old and fat because they’re beautiful.
- They purr.