Nov. 18, 8:35 PM EST
NEW YORK, New York (AP) -- Democrat leaders announced today that they were
"Very concerned" about the possibility that President George W. Bush was prepared to launch a genocidal crusade against the nation of Middleclassamerica. Senators Charles "Chuckles" Schumer (D-NY) and Dianne "Big Mama" Feinstein (D-CA) issued a joint statement that they both had "serious concerns about the news that President Bush may be planning a genocidal war" and they would both "seriously consider all available information." However, anonymous sources say that both senators later promised not to oppose the President’s proposed plan. Queries to the senator’s press officers quote Senator Schumer as saying "You know I have serious concerns about this attack, this plan and this president. This is not my ideal choice for solving the problems we face. However, I feel this is the best possible plan of action we could hope for from this administration."
On Friday, President Bush announced his plans to wage war against Middleclassamerica stating that "The-these are evil people, they take American jobs and they hate our freedom. We have no choice but to-to attack and wipe these people from the face of the planet. It is the only way we can protect our freedom against terrorists such as Osama bin Laden." President Bush stated that he has "really good evidence this time" that Middleclassamerica was responsible for the September 11, 2001 attacks. President Bush has also confirmed that his strategy of genocide against Middleclassamerica was part of the ongoing War on Terror efforts already underway in Afghanistan and Iraq. "Look, you can’t rationalize with these folk; the mistake we learned in Iraq was you can’t let any of them live, because if you do they’ll shoot you and stuff."
Democrat leaders were swift to respond to the news, Speaker of the House Nancy "Nancy" Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry "Arlen Specter" Reid issued a joint statement saying "This a terrible plan. We will not provide any money for more wars for George W. Bush, especially since he has yet to provide any evidence that Middleclassamerica is responsible for 9/11." Reid stated further that he was "unimpressed" with the evidence he had been shown for the war and stated that "Look, I don’t know where you come from, but a hand-written note saying "We attacked you on 9/11- Middleclassamerica" is pretty bad evidence for pursuing a war." Both Reid and Pelosi stated that they would support a bill introduced by Senator Joseph "Trying to Be Relevant" Lieberman giving the President unilateral authority to pursue the war for as long as he wanted. In response to criticism from lunatic liberal bloggers that they were "caving in" the DNC issued a statement stating "We issued a strong condemnation, what more do you want?"
Responses from individual senators were more varied. Senator Hillary "The Crushinator" Clinton (D-NY) and frontrunner for the Democratic Party presidential nomination issued a statement saying "I believe very strongly that genocide and warfare are tools that should always used last after all other steps have failed." Senator Clinton is expected to vote for Senator Lieberman’s bill stating that "this bill which gives unilateral authority to the President to pursue any and all wars he wants, can in no way be construed as support for any plan to launch a war against Middleclassamerica or anywhere else." Senator Barack "Jeff" Obama also announced his opposition to both Bush’s plan and the bill proposed by Senator Lieberman. He also stated that he would not be able to make the vote for the bill because he would be "running for President" at the time. Senator Russ "Russ" Feingold (D-WI) also issued strong condemnation of President Bush’s plan stating from his cell in Quiet Fields Psychiatric Facility "This is unbelievably stupid. We’re already involved in 2 wars and here he wants to invade another one? Middleclassamerica doesn’t even exist! It’s not a real country! What is wrong with these people!?"
Associated Press writer Eric in Manassas contributed to this report.
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