Washington --- With a nervous eye toward plummeting campaign contributions and dimming chances of retaking power in the ’08 general elections, the GOP Congress, in a rare and dramatic parliamentary maneuver yesterday had voted 250-1 to officially ally itself with the Dark Lord of the Underworld. Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX), a presidential candidate, was the sole dissenting vote.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) made use of the never before invoked Senate Rule 666 to lock Democrats, pages, aides and the media out of the halls of Congress. Frustrated reporters, blind to the Satanic proceedings, could only surmise what transpired behind the doors guarded by Cerberus. But moans of the damned, marked by New York, Louisiana and Iraqi accents, got louder, reaching a blood-curdling crescendo between the cloture and final votes.
That the vote had reached a satisfactory conclusion was only apparent to Democrats and reporters waiting outside when the three-headed hound of Hell began lapping up the blood that cascaded from under the Senate chamber door.
When the doors finally opened, the opposition party, reporters and C-SPAN viewers were greeted with a spectacle that the Washington Post’s Dana Milbank described as "a Hieronymus Bosch painting with Brooks Brothers suits and a really ugly carpet."
Marilyn Musgrave (R-CO) was engaged in a threesome with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH). Musgrave’s face, ordinarily immobile in its bitter expression, was more frozen still in a hideous rictus of grim ecstasy. The lower chamber’s highest-ranking Republican released a loud, noxious belch of sulphur as he came inside of the Colorado congresswoman.
"God, this is liberating, isn’t it, Dave?" bellowed Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) to California’s 26th congressional district’s Rep. David Dreier as they both took turns sodomizing their newly-readmitted male pages. "Man, Hot Tub Tom would’ve loved this!" exclaimed Dreier. "And, man, did Trent and Hastert pick a shitty time to retire!"
The Republican-Satanic alliance was brokered by Senate Homeland Security chairman Joe Lieberman (D-I, CT).
"This exciting vote opens up innumerable possibilities," droned the Connecticut senator as he sipped a Bloody Mary made of the actual blood of an Iraqi infant, "for extradition treaties and free market agreements between earth and Hades. It only proves that it’s still possible to reach across the aisle, or burning gulf of fire and brimstone, as it were."
Republicans first introduced the idea of an open alliance with the forces of evil when doctors earlier this week discovered an irregularity in Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart. On closer inspection, it was found that Mr. Cheney’s heart, in fact, was alternately in perfect synchronicity and tempo to Beethoven’s Fifth and Liszt’s "The Mephisto Waltz #3."
Sen. Mitch McConnell explains to the media why the Republican party decided to join "the kinkier side" of the Zoroastrian battle between good and evil.
"We kind of took that as a sign that it was time to make the move and go open on this," said McConnell, who throughout his long congressional career had valiantly thrown his own body under the wheels of progress countless times. "I mean, the signs were all there. You think it’s any coincidence that, the older I get, the more I look like a Cabbage Patch pedophile?"
The original name of the bill was the "Alternative Religion Protection Act of 2007." However, Republican lawmakers realized that the bill itself obviated the need for misleading and sarcastic language. The bill was then subsequently renamed the "Sweet Satan, How We Loathe Everything That is Good, Decent, Truthful and Competent Act of 2007."
President Bush, an enthusiastic backer of the bill, signed it into law this morning in a public signing, using a quill filled with the congealed blood of Michael Moore. The president, on signing his name, heralded the measure "a bold, new era in transparency in government." As he signed the bill into law, a miniature face of one of the damned briefly bulged out of the Chief Executive’s forehead.
Passage of the bill wasn’t a given, said Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX). "The president threatened to veto the bill if it didn’t contain a ‘harmless pretzel’ provision and an amendment ordering NBC to finally authorize reruns of Chico and the Man."
Among the requirements of the new bill:
The obligatory American flag lapel pin will be replaced by a 24 carat gold inverted cross.
The House and Senate Minority Leader's offices are to be fitted for new blood-red drapes.
Future Republican lawmakers, considering that any more get elected, will be obligated to swear on and to uphold the Satanic Bible.
In exchange for Ben Affleck, Jane Fonda and Susan Sarandon, the immediate extradition of the late Lee Atwater, former Joseph McCarthy aide Roy Cohn and Senator McCarthy himself, the creator of Rule 666.
"Since the Republican party for decades has celebrated corruption and mediocrity" said McConnell, "what better way to continue this tradition than to bring back a boozy loser who, despite spending years and millions in taxpayer dollars, never uncovered a single Communist in the government?"
White House press secretary Dana Perino, in a press conference held this afternoon entirely in backwards Latin, said "the president didn’t feel totally comfortable with the implied legal immunity of the Unitary Executive" and that he’d sought extra protection.
The bill had drawn cautious and tacit support from the GOP's onetime and now former religious base, the evagelicals. In a joint statement released on Focus on the Family's website, the Reverends James Dobson and Pat Robertson wrote, "While we're dismayed that the GOP has deserted those who have steadfastly supported them, we wish them luck in their unholy odyssey. Should they come back into the fold, it may be worth remembering that not only is our music better, we also have bingo. And say Hi to Jerry during your paid junkets down there."
As well as opening up trade relations with Hell, the bill will also facilitate the integration of over 1,100,000 slain Iraqis currently loitering around in the First Circle, or where "the virtuous damned" reside. "Now that our embrace of unfettered evil is official," said Satan’s new press secretary and PNAC co-founder Richard Perle, "they can now be processed forthwith and we can begin to negotiate getting hedge fund managers, disco singers and K street lobbyists out of the Ninth Circle."
When asked if the Democratic Party would eventually be let in on the action, Perle revealed reddened teeth by smiling, "Well, my Dark Lord is encouraged by what Hillary Clinton and the rest of the Democrats have shown these past ten months. But he isn’t altogether convinced of their sincerity to serve him.
"We’ll have to wait and see."