Following an overnight session of Parliament and an emergency visit to Buckingham Palace by the British Prime Minister to gain Royal Assent from Her Majesty Quuen Elizabeth 11, we have learnt of a Promulgation to be announced in the House of Commons at 2.00 p.m. tomorrow.
It is not known by our anonymous sources from within the Office of the Lord Chancellor as to whom the Promulgation and Decree will be issued as there is some debate as to who actually constitutionally heads the United States government in the circumstances now prevailing. Indeed, legal officers in Downing Street are still trying to decide if there is any constitution remaining in the United States that would deemed as such under the new European Treaty signed by ministers yesterday, Thursday 13th April, 2007
The leaked Memorandum is:
Office of the Prime Minister
10 Downing Street
LONDON
SW1A 2AA
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
- The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "ise."
- You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
cope with correct pronunciation.
- Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
- There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
- You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
- July 4 will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2 will be
a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called "Come-Uppance Day."
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
- The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
- Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
- The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly
Signed under Royal Assent: Rt. Hon. James Gordon Brown , Prime Minister
Addendum to Memorandum:
As a consequence of the above, the British Government accepts that the United States will be required to adopt Articles in direct repudiation of its own implementation of what it now interprets as its Constitution under the Treaty of Lisbon signed yesterday amending the Treaty on European Union and the Treaty establishing the European Community.
The British Government realises that certain of these articles are in direct conflict with current cultural and political mores in the United States and will work to gain their acceptance . Examples of these include such shocks to the fabric of US Society as:
- The Union shall define and pursue common policies and actions, and shall work for a high degree of cooperation in all fields of international relations, in order to:
(a) safeguard its values, fundamental interests, security, independence and integrity;
(b) consolidate and support democracy, the rule of law, human rights and the principles of international law;
(c) preserve peace, prevent conflicts and strengthen international security
(d) foster the sustainable economic, social and environmental development of developing countries, with the primary aim of eradicating poverty;
(e) encourage the integration of all countries into the world economy, including through the progressive abolition of restrictions on international trade;
(f) help develop international measures to preserve and improve the quality of the environment and the sustainable management of global natural resources, in order to ensure sustainable development;
(g) assist populations, countries and regions confronting natural or man-made disasters; and
(h) promote an international system based on stronger multilateral cooperation and good global governance.
Article 4:
No one shall be be subject to torture or other inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.
Article 19:
No one may be removed, expelled or extradited to a State where there is a serious risk that he or she would be subject to the death penalty, torture or other inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.
Article 7:
Everyone has the right to respect for his or her private family life, home and communications.
Article 15:
Nationals of third countries authorised to work in the territories of Member States are entitled to working conditions equivalent to those of citizens of the Union
These and many other rights of citizens under the European Union that will cause enormous upheaval in the United States, ranging from rights in relation to health care, work, education, housing and personal freedoms. In order for the transition to be smooth, an easing in period of two days and five hours will be allowed for assimilation of these changes.