There's a lot of Republican candiates in this world. But I feel I'm the only one together and to give it new direction in a post Reagan era. The only one who speaks a message we can all agree on. A real uniter, not a divider.
There are a few values that bind us together though. Moms and apple pie. That's why I'm standing on a platform of mums and apple pies. Yes you heard me moms and apple pies! Am I the only candidate with the courage to stand up for mums and apple pies in today's liberofacist media climate! Who doesn't like moms and apple pie! Oh and America and Freedom! America for the win! Through this brillant masterstroke I will win the nomination for to vote against me would be to show that you hate moms and apple pies and America and Freedom! Who would vote for a candidate with whom they agree on all stated positions.
I oppose murder and think that muggings probably are not a very good idea. I think that Al Quaeda should not be given welfare and do not support compulsory voting for democrats. I believe that it's probably a good idea for America to have a military. I would not celebrate if Micheal Moore were to be made president. If you vote for me I promise to stop compulsory gambling. Name one sentence that I have uttered with which a Republican might dispute! If nothing else you've got to vote me because these are the only values holding us together now. I can bring together the theocons and the neocons and paleocons and the econocons and the pinkocons and the democons and the conocons.