No, seriously. Tonight, on the way home from walking my mom's dog (she - Mom, that is, is with my brother's family in Los Angeles right now), I decided to detour through a very pricey neighborhood that tends to decorate with a lot of lights. What?@@?@?@!!! I like Christmas lights! So sue me! The whole neighborhood is very spread out with big gaps between houses, surrounded by woods, with winding and sloping streets and cul-de-sacs every-frikkin-where.
I got lost.
Lost. Within three miles of my own house.
It wouldn't have bothered me except (a) it was dark, (b) many of the houses were only half-built and unoccupied, (c) the development apparently is growing so the map in the car was useless, (d) the roads are still covered in snow and my little Civic slips around a lot. So for 30 minutes I was driving around in frustrating circles, up and down hills, one cul-de-sac after another with gigantic McMansions that had taken on an ominous appearance, afraid that my car would get stuck or I would go down a hill and not be able to get back up or even turn around successfully if I came upon a dreaded Dead End sign.
I tried calling EVERYONE who was still in town - my family didn't answer home or cell. My friends didn't answer. All I wanted was someone to look in the phone book at the newest map and tell me how to get out of the damn development!!!
Finally I did something I have never done before in my life. I called 9-1-1. Sure enough, the local police department answered the phone: "What is the location of your emergency?"
I had to admit I had no idea. I admitted to being lost and feeling like a total idiot.
Then she said, "I can see you."
"You can see me?" I practically yelled. How the hell could she see me out in that wilderness? Are there cameras EVERYWHERE? It took me a moment to realize that my cell has a GPS device. Anyway, after the initial panic of how Big Brother knows where I am at all times, I calmed down and she guided me out of that morass of Neo Gilded Age conspicuously consumptive domiciles. Plus about five deer skittered in front of me and disappeared into the woods, which was cool.
Lady Fuzz never even mocked me. And I kind of don't mind that my cell phone has a GPS device. Just don't put one on my car.