Course Catalog, Political Sciences:
Campaigning For President 101 - Learn the basics about campaigning for the top job in the U.S. It's not all shaking hands, learning to lie with a straight face, smiling for the camera and kissing ugly babies from Iowa to California. Successful candidates* have to demonstrate a working knowledge of both the United States and the world in general. In this course, you'll learn the caprice of Folly, and the power of Thinking Before You Speak.
Included:
- Understand the Issues and Check the Facts - Really. Don't confuse an assassination in another country with the immigration problem here. Oh, and even if you do get confused, make sure that the facts and statistics you cite are real. Remember, the MSM employs fact-checkers by the thousands, and bloggers delight in nothing more than obscurata and proving that the MSM failed to do its job in outing you. (Contraexample here.)
- Read the News - No matter how busy you are, you must read the news. Even if you only scan GoogleNews twice a day or read USAToday with your morning coffee, be aware of what's going on outside of your own bellybutton. No one cares about your lint, they care about theirs. You'd better know what color theirs is, what it's made of, and how it got there. If you don't know, don't bluff. Learn to say, "I wish I knew more, and by this afternoon, I will. Your bellybutton lint is my bellybutton lint."
- Managing Your Affairs - If you're going to have them, don't run for President. If you do have one and decide to run, or to have one after you're in office, make sure it's with someone famous. Marilyn didn't hurt Jack now, did she? If she's not famous, and you're going to have the affair anyway, make sure you're paying all your own expenses when you go visit her, and at all costs, stay away from women in blue dresses. (Contraexample here.)
- Oprah Will Not Get You Elected - (Not unless she gives everyone cars, that is.) Celebrity endorsements are nice, but where are they when you're facing your first missile crisis? Just try to get Will Smith to tell you whether or not you should push the button at 3 a.m. on an Easter Sunday morning. "Just push the damn button," should be ringing in your ears right about now...
*Notwithstanding the temporary insanity that overtook the country in 2000 & 2004. This has been traced to no fluoride in local water supplies, an overabundance of iodine in salt, botox, vaccines, high lead and mercury levels, lack of soybeans in the daily diet, and Diebold.
Level Two: Iron Fists and Rubber Gloves, and How to Tell the Difference
Level Three: War & Peace: What You Should Know About Occupying Other Countries
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