Dear Jesus,
I know I haven’t written in a while, but apparently I now have to go through an intermediary to talk to you. Yes, it seems that the evangelicals, fundamentalists and of course, the Catholics, have all decided that only their appointed priests, ministers and evangelists can talk to you. Us normal humans seeking salvation must wait for them to relay our messages and prayers to you... so I have taken to writing.
Since I am not a member of a mega-church, maybe my letter will get lost in volume, but maybe the return address will stand out. (Please don’t dismiss it just cause it has a Virginia Beach, Virginia return address, I am not affiliated with Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell or any of the others around here either.)
Usually this time of year, we as Americans proclaim your greatness by celebrating your birthday (I know, a long long time ago, we celebrated it on January 6th, but we changed it so the pagans would accept us, once Constantine did anyway). Anyway, you know that, but we celebrate your birthday by, after proclaiming your name as sacred and this as a sacred day, going out and commercializing everything else and have a fat man who hasn’t changed his clothes since the 1800’s deliver the goods.
We don’t tell our children this is the day of birth for the founder of our religion, or even that in essence you were Jewish and would have celebrated Hanukah instead. No, we tell them to write letters to Santa Claus so he can sneak into the house while they are asleep and leave them unmarked, wrapped "gifts" for them. We encourage them to leave treats (aka bribes) for him and his reindeer. We say he knows if they have been bad or good, naughty or nice, and when they are sleeping.
Somehow your birthday has turned into a holiday where we celebrate a fictitious over weight guy who strikes me as a cross between Michael Jackson and a Norwegian Clint Eastwood character from a spaghetti western who runs an Orwellian intelligence network. (Not to sound to Canadian, but we’re sorry for that)
Now as insulting as this sounds, you should see how we celebrate your death! Somehow the celebration of your death and your return 3 days later has morphed into a Bunny, who by my calculations, is the leading cause of juvenile diabetes. (Again, we are sorry)
But anyway, I am rambling... Since this is the time of year of your birth. I felt maybe I should write you my list of stuff I would like to know for Christmas, and maybe then you could send me a list of things you would like. I know, I am just an average human with only earthly powers. But everyone else says I have a god complex, so at least give me a few things that may test whether I do, or maybe I should learn humility instead, okay?
1.) A National Intelligence estimate that actually estimates the intelligence of our nation. Because right now it strikes me as DUMB. When the people who wish to lead us on the temporal plane here claim to understand you and have you in their heart, yet avoid answering whether you support the death penalty. They either are denying you (was that a sin that one of your roadies/disciples committed?) or they are only dropping your name to look better? (Speaking of the latter, Can I publish your response to this, so people will know I talk to you too?)
2.) Can I please get an explanation on how you are god’s son, but god incarnate on earth at the same time? And where does the Holy Ghost fit in? I keep hearing all three of these are you, but I am a simple mortal human. These things can be hard for us analytical types. I just have the hardest problem with the "you are your own dad" speech. I could have sworn your birth was in Bethlehem, Israel, not Tupelo, Mississippi. It just sounds so weird comparing you to someone named Bubba Ray or whose last name is Cable Guy.
3.) Exactly what were the requirements to ride the ass into Jerusalem on that day? And was this an average ass or a special ass? I feel as though I have special connection to your beast of burden, since it seems everyone who tells me I am special rides mine all day long everywhere they can? Is it possible I am onto something here?
4.) Did you live at home till you were 30? There seems to be a stereotype these days that Jewish men who don’t marry but who’s mothers call them the son of god and think they walk on water, stay at home long after most people get their own place? Is this a false stereotype or was this common in your day too?
5.) If this country is the greatest, and separation of church and state is one of it’s greatest founding principals, doesn’t freedom OF religion and freedom FROM religion carry equal weight?
6.) Do you really look like Ted Nugent after a good nights sleep?
7.) I know this is probably rude, but did you guys make Jerry Falwell dress up as a tele-tubby for Halloween?
8.) When you do return, where will it be? I have heard people say it would be Jerusalem, other Almigrado even heard one person say that you would place a collect call to the pope from Salt Lake City. Just want to know so if it is near me I can cook a good meal for you. If you have any requests, I will do my best to make you a great dinner. I promise no hot dogs.
9.) Do you or God really care which teams win any sports championships? They all say you were on their side if they win, but no one ever blames you for not being on their side if they lose. I always thought you would be above such trivial things, but they keep doing it anyway. Can I have some clarification on this please?
10.) If there is only one true religion, how come we have so many?
11.) If the Good Humor man went on a killing spree, what would the headlines be?
12.) Isn't it hypocritical to have a for-profit hospital have the word "Mercy" in it's name?
13.) Does St. Peter actually stand at the gates all the time, or does he only stand watch for a few hours? And will I be carded at the gate?
14.) Does Heaven have porn, alcohol and the other things people enjoy? If not, why does everyone assume they are going there, and why would they want to?
15.) Why is marriage called a sacred institution, but mental hospitals and prisons are called state institutions? Is marriage just god’s form of a committal process?
Well, that’s enough for now. I don’t want to be greedy or over cumbersome. I know a lot of people are praying that you could give the president and his advisors the wisdom to lead our country into a new era. I know you are trying, but somehow, I don’t think they understand.
Have fun on your birthday, hope your dad gets you some gifts you’d really like. Just do me one favor if nothing else? Keep my brothers in arms over in the desert as safe as you can, I want to see all of them again.
Thanks
Mike