Langley, VA
December 7, 2007
As part of ongoing compliance with a formerly-secret CIA policy initiative, whereby materials that that could jeopardize the identities of CIA agents are destroyed before they could be released, the CIA has announced that it has destroyed Vice President Dick Cheney and former Presidential advisor Karl Rove. No congressional authorities were consulted before the complete destruction of the two men.
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"We realized that the destruction of the terrorist interrogation tapes were a drastic, but necessary, step in the protection of our agents," said a CIA spokesperson. "Once that process was completed, we started looking around for other things that could expose our most cherished intelligence assets. And just today we realized, my God, these two outed a CIA section chief!" The spokesperson refused to provide their identity to this author, saying that he was also in possession of the identities of one or more CIA agents, which could necessitate his, and this authors, subsequent destruction as well.
The spokesperson confirmed that the personnel destruction was carried out to the same standards of data protection that are applied to retired computer hard drives. "First the individuals were shredded to 3 mm strips. And let me tell you, we needed a special unit," continued the spokesperson. "Especially for Karl, the sheer volume of grease that was produced during the shredding process kept clogging even our largest unit. Then, the shredded materials (or 'shremains', to use the declassified term) were incinerated for four hours at 3000 degrees celsius, reducing them to the finest ash." When asked about rumors that the ashes were then scattered to the four winds, the spokesperson gave a vigorous denial, claiming that foreign agents could recover the ashes and perhaps reassemble part of one or both men, gaining information about the identities of CIA agents.
Other rumors were also denied, although when asked if the collected ashes were at some point peed on by former CIA agent Larry Johnson, the agent only replied "no comment."
When asked about other material slated for destruction, the spokesperson mentioned that CIA headquarters at Langley, Virginia were being looked into. Should foreign powers come into possession of the CIA archives, a large number of US agents could be exposed, suggesting that the CIA may be required to shred itself in order to comply with the security directive.