This Friday substitute edition Cheers and Jeers is dedicated to our founder, Bill in Portland Maine, who has vacated the premises for Key West (high today 75°, chance of precipitation 10%). For Bill and his entourage I offer this helpful wisdom from the 13th century snarkmaster Rumi:
I swallowed
some of the Beloved's sweet wine,
and now I am ill.
My body aches,
my fever is high.
They called in the Doctor and he said,
drink this tea!
Ok, time to drink this tea.
Take these pills!
Ok, time to take these pills.
The Doctor said,
get rid of the sweet wine of his lips!
Ok, time to get rid of the doctor.
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From the icy wastelands that are Central New York, this is today's host redlami, answering the eternal and ungrammatical question, what time does Cheers and Jeers start? [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
DISCLAIMER: this substitute edition of Cheers and Jeers is not affiliated in any way, shape, or form, with Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers. The use of the words JEERS and CHEERS, the swoosh/gong device, references to pie, cabana boys, offline/online cafés, goddesses (washed and unwashed), augmented cyborgs and world-ruling pooties are all used with permission of Bill in Portland Maine, the Bobs and Bobettes, and C&J regulars and <urp> irregulars. Any resemblances to Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers are excruciatingly difficult to attain purely coincidental. Dobbs help me, I have no idea how he does it.
Cheers to democracy, Italian style. Italy's government led by Romano Prodi (since 1947, its... um, eleventy-twelfth) fell after 9 months, following a defeat in the Senate over foreign policy. Oh, Senator Reid? I think a trip to Rome might be in order.
Jeers to a TV show that's way behind its time: Joel Surnow and his "Half Hour News Hour" debuted last Sunday on Fox. Apparently demonstrating the merits of torture each week isn't enough red meat for conservative America.
"You can turn on any show and see Bush being bashed," Surnow said. "There really is nothing out there for those who want satire that tilts right."
Right. Saying there's not enough right-wing satire on Fox is like saying there's not enough flatulence in Blazing Saddles. From the looks of the show, Stewart and Colbert should worry about as much as Garry Trudeau worries about the success of Mallard Fillmore.
Cheers to royalty who understand noblesse oblige, which loosely translated means a 22 year old prince should lead an armored reconnaissance battalion in a war his country signed onto.
Jeers to the "soft bigotry of low expectations". Here in America, we've got something called liberty. Which means a 25 year old presidential daughter can happily hit the clubs in Panama. And write a picture book, once she comes up with a photographer and an editor.
Cheers to first-time Oscar®™© host Ellen DeGeneres. I think the Academy made an excellent choice. She's nicer than Chris Rock, more fashionable than Jon Stewart, and less apt to cause video screen burn-in than Billy Crystal. Plus, Dory vs. Mike Wazowski. Need I say more?
Cheers to late-night snark, because it's funny and I didn't have to write it:
"Things getting very nasty in Washington. Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is 'the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.' The White House said, 'You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.'"
--Conan O'Brien
"The House passed a non-binding resolution against the surge. Bush says he can't wait to get it to his imaginary desk and veto it with his air pen. He said, 'I've got my own non-binding resolution. It's called the United States Constitution.'"
--Bill Maher
"Today in Japan, the vice president made a visit to the USS Kitty Hawk. As the vice president boarded the ship, he was given with a 19-gun salute. And then two Navy sailors were injured when Cheney returned fire."
--Jay Leno
"The president had another press conference this weekend. He was really banging the war drum about Iran. He said after 9/11, Katrina, and Iraq, he wants to go out with just one more giant fuck up."
--Bill Maher
Cheers and Jeers By the numbers:
First Cheers and Jeers: 12/10/2003
Number of officially sanctioned C&Js: 793
Earliest (morning edition) posted: 4:09 AM EST
Average starting time (morning edition): 8:43 AM EST
Total comments posted: 222,630
Value of mojo earned: Priceless
Cheers to the first lady of Star Trek, Majel Barrett, who celebrates her 65th 75th birthday today. As computer voices go, she's got the Heart of Gold's Eddie beat by parsecs.
and one more:
Cheers to a never-ending supply of pooties. With over 1400 felines, it's way too easy to spend way too much time at the Infinite Cat Project. (Our own Cloudy is cat #1148.)
In closing, a bit more Rumi to go with that coke...
It is your turn now,
you waited, you were patient.
The time has come,
for us to polish you.
We will transform your inner pearl
into a house of fire.
You're a gold mine.
Did you know that,
hidden in the dirt of the earth?
It is your turn now,
to be placed in fire.
Let us cremate your impurities.
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Let's get the polishing started! What are you cheering and jeering today?