Brothers and Sisters. Our great nation has lost its way. It is hard to know where to put our efforts, as we bring our country's laws into total harmony with the Bible. Restaurants still insist on selling shellfish and allowing mentrusating waitresses to come to work. There is some hope, of course: I'm pleased to report that the Campus Crusade for Unmixed Fibre is converting more and more of our young people away from Liberal Academia's poly-cotton blends.
But tonight, I'm asking you to change your focus. There is one overwhelmingly un-Biblical evil that stalks our land. Like a Very Heavy Thing of Sin, it drags us down into the depths of the 6,000-year-old Ocean of Doom. Since our nation must surely be governed according to the principles of the Bible (as interpreted by me, of course), we must STOP wallowing in this Cesspool of Total Naughtiness.
That's right. I'm talking about Satan's dominoes...the most un-Biblical scourge of our time. CREDIT CARDS.
Inspired by this diary.
I know what you're saying. "Sister Aphra, how can credit cards be so greatly un-Biblical? There was no plastic in ancient Israel." Well, they didn't have collagen moisturizer back then either, but I'm still pretty sure that watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will buy you a one-way ticket to the Eternal Lake of Fire. Am I right?
Anyway, the Bible is even clearer about the evils of charging interest than it is about the disgusting decadence of a "fresh poppy"-coloured shirt and matching silk tie. Just take a look:
25 " If you lend money to any of My people who are poor among you, you shall not be like a moneylender to him; you shall not charge him interest.(Exodus 22:25)
35 ' If one of your brethren becomes poor, and falls into poverty among you, then you shall help him, like a stranger or a sojourner, that he may live with you.
36 'Take no usury or interest from him; but fear your God, that your brother may live with you.
37 'You shall not lend him your money for usury, nor lend him your food at a profit. (Leviticus 25:35-37)
19 " You shall not charge interest to your brother -- interest on money or food or anything that is lent out at interest.
20 "To a foreigner you may charge interest, but to your brother you shall not charge interest, that the LORD your God may bless you in all to which you set your hand in the land which you are entering to possess. (Deuteronomy 23:19,20)
Oh, for shame, you James Dobsons, you Jerry Falwells, you Ralph Reeds. Where have you been in our Holy Crusade?
Thankfully, our new PAC, Focus on the Usury, is here to help good, god-fearing Christians lobby our elected representatives against the credit card industry. We have a fairly simple legislative agenda that restore our nation to its glorious Puritan roots (those guys in Virginia don't count, I don't know why, they just don't.)
- Step 1:All interest payments shall be immediately returned with 1/100th interest.
11 "Restore now to them, even this day, their lands, their vineyards, their olive groves, and their houses, also a hundredth of the money and the grain, the new wine and the oil, that you have charged them." (Nehemiah 5:11)
Step 2:All CEOs who do not agree to the above receive a fair trial; if when convicted of unreptentant usury, the death penalty is applicable
13 If he has exacted usury Or taken increase -- Shall he then live? He shall not live! If he has done any of these abominations, He shall surely die; His blood shall be upon him. (Ezekiel 18:13)
I realize that this may seem extreme. Some misguided brethren argue that we should allow private lending and usury. That we should stay out of other people's financial arrangements. That some form of "civil usury" is acceptable. Well, to this I say: I've read the Spark's notes for the Bible twice! And it clearly states that we will all be smited smitten smoted if we do not shape up:
24:1 Behold, the LORD makes the earth empty and makes it waste, Distorts its surface And scatters abroad its inhabitants.
2 And it shall be: As with the people, so with the priest; As with the servant, so with his master; As with the maid, so with her mistress; As with the buyer, so with the seller; As with the lender, so with the borrower; As with the creditor, so with the debtor.
3 The land shall be entirely emptied and utterly plundered, For the LORD has spoken this word. (Isaiah 24:1-3)
There you have it, folks. It is not just I, Sister Aphra of the Quivering Brethren who says this to you, but the One Upstairs who is waiting in the wings to thoroghly spank our entire nation if even one of us commits this sin.
I know the bankers seem smooth. I know they seem harmless. I know, that, deep down in your oh-so-pure hearts, there may even lurk a--shall we say?--slight temptation, even attraction for the financial world. The thrill of investment. The gambling on the returns. Perhaps you find yourself glancing at the Wall Street Journal on the street. You can't help yourself. Heaven forfend, perhaps you even come to Daily Kos to read Jerome a Paris! Do you find your limbs trembling with excitement at the thought of the economics of it all? In your head, do you hear his smooth, French-accented Euro-decadent voice tempting you towards amortization and so-called "responsible investing"?
Stop kidding yourself! There is no such thing as "responsible investing"--only abstinence, abstinence, abstinence will save our great country from the Tsunami-wielding Terrorist Hurricane Mudslide Blizzard of Wrath that the LORD is waiting to sling at us in punishment for all of our unpaid monthly balances!
But all is not lost. Take heart. For if we can cleanse ourselves from this evil, we shall find ourselves transformed. Back to our god-fearing Puritan roots (please stop asking me about the Virginians) and the Land of Easy Puppies and Ice Cream that is the true America. Forget abortion. Forget teh gays. Forget all that the false prophets have told you to focus on. The Lord has been very, very clear about what to do in order to achieve perfection:
7 If he has not oppressed anyone, But has restored to the debtor his pledge; Has robbed no one by violence, But has given his bread to the hungry And covered the naked with clothing;
8 If he has not exacted usury Nor taken any increase, But has withdrawn his hand from iniquity And executed true judgment between man and man;
9 If he has walked in My statutes And kept My judgments faithfully -- He is just; He shall surely live!" Says the Lord GOD. (Ezekiel 18:7-9)
Amen!
All images in the public domain. Cross-posted at The Next Agenda and Progressive Historians