Thanks to Think Progress, we are all privy to the criterion upon which our Dear Leader, appointed President by God and the Supreme Court, measures success in Iraq. Or, more accurately, we are privy to the metric Dear Leader uses to determine failure:
[PBS asks Bush about the escelating violence and death in Iraq]
BUSH: Well — and by the way, if the standard of success is no car bombings or suicide bombings, we have just handed those who commit suicide bombings a huge victory. In other words, if you say, you know, I’m going to judge the administration’s plan based upon whether they’re able to have no car bombings in Baghdad. We will have just given — because car bombings are hard to stop, or suicide bombings, very hard to stop.
~flip~
Sacré bleu! I’ve been wrong about the war this whole time! It’s my perspective, i.e. my insistence on observing facts in reality, which is mistaken! How could I have been so foolish? We can’t pull our troops out of Iraq yet, because we are clearly measuring victory based upon stopping the enemy...um...dandelions growing in Tikrit?
Since we are all aware of the awe-inspiring intellectual powerhouse machinery operating in the mind of the commander of the most powerful and deadly military in history, let’s apply this gem of wisdom to some other situations, shall we?
The American Revolution:
BUSH: Well — and by the way, if the standard of success is no [attacks by British Soldiers], we have just handed [King George III] a huge victory. In other words, if you say, you know, I’m going to judge the administration’s plan based upon whether they’re able to [stop Imperial British soldiers sent to quell rebellion]. We will have just given — because [the invading British Army is] hard to stop, or [attacks on American revolutionary troops], very hard to stop.
Holy Crap! We’re still a British Colony! We killed the British soldiers and drove them from our shores, thus ensuring a British victory! I knew this monument was named after the wrong person:
It should be the monument to King George III in honor of his brave victory against the uppity colonists.
The Vietnam War:
BUSH: Well — and by the way, if the standard of success is no [attacks by NVA or Viet Cong], we have just handed [the North Vietnamese] a huge victory. In other words, if you say, you know, I’m going to judge the administration’s plan based upon whether they’re able to [stop the enemies from attacking us]. We will have just given — because [attacks against U.S. troops by North Vietnamese Army], or [the Viet Cong], very hard to stop.
Well I’ll be damned. Apparently all these people were completely overreacting to the advancing North Vietnamese Army:
Hey guys! Calm down! The U.S. couldn’t defeat the North Vietnamese, but that’s not how we measure victory! Don’t get on that chopper!
American Idol:
BUSH: Well — and by the way, if the standard of success is [more votes], we have just handed [the singers with less votes] huge victor[ies]. In other words, if you say, you know, I’m going to judge the [singer] based upon whether they’re able to [get more votes]. We will have just given — because [votes for better singers], or [votes for singers based on attributes other than singing], very hard to stop.
No way! Talentless hair model Sanjaya is still in the competition! (insert piercing screams from 100,000 teenage girls)
The Last Starfighter:
BUSH: Well — and by the way, if the standard of success is [stopping the enemy spaceships in interstellar dogfights], we have just handed [Xur and his armada of evil spaceships piloted by things that look like iguanas] huge victor[ies]. In other words, if you say, you know, I’m going to judge the [Starfighter] based upon whether they’re able to [stop the enemy spacehips from killing them]. We will have just given — because [evil lizard-like space pilots], or [their laser beams], very hard to stop.
NOOOOOO! The Starfighter that was recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Kodan Armada...he...he failed! And the lizardboy says...
Perhaps the Last Starfighter was distracted by something...
What could it be?
And finally, as my last example of the intellectual stud that is George Bush...
Penicillin:
BUSH: Well — and by the way, if the standard of success is [no Gram-positive bacteria], we have just handed [gonorrhea] a huge victory. In other words, if you say, you know, I’m going to judge the [antibiotic] based upon whether they’re able to [kill bacteria]. We will have just given — because [infectious bacteria], or [little creepy crawly bugs that make ya sick], very hard to stop.
I feel better. Do you?