Alberto Gonzales, the Attorney General that has been embroiled in a scandal involving eight fired US Attorneys, came in to work today not wearing pants, according to several insider sources.
When questioned why he forgot to wear pants, Gonzales answered, "First, I would like to thank all the people I work with for their tireless service. The fact they noticed that I came in trouser-less today is a testament to their work ethic. In response to the question of my being pantless, I don't recall exactly where I left them. To my knowledge, I had it when I sat down to my bowl of Lucky Charms in the morning, but failed to put them on before I walked out the door to work. I take full responsibility for this lapse of memory, and I will work with Congress until I find where my pants are, and why I forgot them." Asked if he looked at himself in the morning before he left the door, Gonzales replied, "I recall that I looked in the mirror that morning, however, I don't recall when I looked in the mirror. I believe that I felt I definitely did look, though. Certainly, I don't think that anything improper happened."
"This is all just a confirmation of what we've been saying all along, regarding Gonzales's memory," declared Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). "Obviously, the AG just had a lapse of memory and forgot to put on a piece of clothing. It's a simple mistake, and the Democrats are turning it into some sort of partisan Witch Hunt, demanding that it's unacceptable to have an AG who forgets to wear proper attire. Simply put, I think it's ridiculous, and it's this type of defeatist thinking that will allow the terrorists to win."
Republican insiders, such as Charles Krauthammer and Bill Kristol, have called it a brilliant, if unintentional, move by the Bush Administration. "Gonzales, by forgetting his pants, has shown the Democrats' accusations of illegal political tampering to be nothing but that: accusations. Perhaps now we can get over these investigations and get down to important issues, like approving the President's clean bill for peace in Iraq," said Krauthammer.
Democratic insiders stated that this will be a big blow to the Democrat's chances of impeaching Gonzales. "This will really make him a sympathetic figure to the public, and the Democrats have to make sure that they don't push him too hard," said Joe Klein of Time Magazine. "This really looks like it's the final straw that will cause Bush's popularity to soar back to its previous heights," said David Broder.
The controversy shows no signs of dying down anytime soon, and some have predicted that it will only be a matter of time before others start showing up to work forgetting to wear clothes as well. Lurita Doan, former GSA Administrator who is in the middle of a scandal involving partisan politics, is already rumored to be deciding whether to forget her shirt or shoes tomorrow. And while liberals claim that this is only further evidence that these people should be fired, both have been given a vote of full confidence by the President, George W. Bush.
"Look, these guys... I've got confidence in them, full confidence. I'm... I'm an optimistic sort of guy, and when I see them not wearing pants or forgetting shoes when they come to work, I think to myself, "Are they getting the job done?" And that answer is yes, yes they are."
Congress has submitted a subpoena for all of Gonzales's drycleaning receipts to ensure that poor drycleaning performance wasn't a reason in the possible decision by Gonzalez not to wear pants.
This piece may have used some sections of Associated Press articles.