Note: Thanks for the Rescue, kraant!
In a world where George W. Bush is The Blair Witch Project, Mr. McCain, you are clearly Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.
Before you consider taking my keys away from me and having my license suspended, allow me a moment to explain what I'm talking about. The phrasing of this diary title may sound vaguely familiar to those who read my diary last night: The Replacements Have Something To Tell You About Politics. Hey, I need to find some way to hold my scattershot mind together, and painfully stretched cultural references to make political points just works for me.
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Another diary written later than 2 AM in the East for me. The quiet times when I feel less guilty about my personal oh-so-very-droll writing style knocking off those more deserving of attention.
In a world where President George W. Bush is The Blair Witch Project, Senator John McCain has traded in whatever whispy, fragile spiderwebs of truth were in his "maverick" reputation to become Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.
There was a time where John McCain and his throngs of self-identified independently minded mavericks considered him to be The Exorcist. The Shining, even. The one who would change everything. Artful. Individual. Absolutely one of a kind. The one that managed to unite the masses in adoration, maybe a bit of fear, while defying all categories.
Then 2000 happened. He readjusted. Sure, he was still a bit anti-Bush. Personal feelings, after all. How, after the Carolina "black baby" debacle, could any person not harbor some resentment? He would go on The Daily Show or the Letterman show, and when a joke was made at the President's expense, he would play up the long pause and quiet grin that says "I agree with you," before saying "The President's doing a great job" with a smirk on his face.
He had given up on being The Exorcist. But things weren't all bad. He was 1985's The Return of the Living Dead. No, not the real series. The fake one with the immortal Miguel A. Nunez (affectionately known as Juwanna Mann) as Spider. And a lot of brain eating. A LOT.
He was kind of a joke. But he could certainly be enjoyed on a kitch level. There were traces of a recognizable humanity and understanding in him somewhere, even if you didn't agree with one thing he believed in. He was a kitchy, ironic, pleasantly amusing romp with a kickass synth soundtrack. The stuff of college faux-nostalgia get togethers. "Hey, anybody remember in The Return of the Living Dead when the zombie calls dispatch on the dead EMT's walkie talkie to "send more ambulances"? Ha, ha, ha!" "Hey, anybody here see McCain on The Daily Show last night? Wasn't he cute as a button?"
Then, he decided to run for president again. It may have happened before then, but is abundantly clear now.
George W. Bush is The Blair Witch. He had his moment in the sun--say 2001/2002--where no one could stop talking about him. The cowboy! This is just what we needed, to give us a little shake up! How terribly refreshing, a low budget president!
"There's a poster in the Old West that said: Wanted, Dead or Alive," "smoke 'em out of their holes," "with us or against us," "axis of evil." Now that's back to the basics of terror, no fancy special effects needed.
No one could stop talking about our Blair Witch president. What a cash cow, and with so little going in to it! So simple, not at all cerebral, that Blair Witch Project.
But then again, it wasn't 2002 anymore. It was 2006, and now it's 2007.
Just like The Blair Witch Project. It wasn't 1999 anymore. We'd all puked our guts out on January 1st, 2000. We were beyond Thunderdome. We had all been momentarily paralized, afraid our ATMs were going to come alive and eat us, and have enough Spam in the basement for a decade in case batshit crazy computers took over the planet. Or, if you're Jewish like me, uh, "Gefilte Spam."
Most importantly, we were so over the fucking Blair Witch Project. That was 1999. We've grown a lot since then. Taken some classes, gotten or senses back. Sure, it was one of a kind, but we're kind of over it. You watch it once, you can't watch it again.
The filmmakers may have known this, they may have not. But they decided to go back to the well, one more time, in an empty attempt to cash in with the same old formula. But this time, glitzier. More polished. More expensive. And with a way worse fucking script.
Sure, President Blair Witch didn't have a script, which was blatantly obvious after 4 years of Iraq. But the script for the sequel blows even more, cuz we know what's gonna happen.
George Bush is the Blair Witch Project. And John "Maverick" McCain is the sequel. He once viewed himself as an original. Then, he was the kitchy, almost amusing individualist. Now, he just wants to be a sequel to a movie he wasn't even that into, because he doesn't know what else to do.
He wants to cash in. Much like the filmmakers of Blair Witch, he knew he wasn't long for the business. One last ditch effort to make it big.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is not kitchy. It is not amusing. It has no redeeming qualities to offer anybody. It is a derivative piece of garbage, clearly meant to copy the success of something that was already old, outdated, and completely moved on from. It showed, so clearly, the deluded dreams of cashing in from "outsider types" who had too much of a taste of power and congratulations. And, at the very end, after the big reveal when the credits roll, it leaves the audience wondering "now what the fuck was THAT shit supposed to be?"
It features plot point so ridiculous, you can hardly stay in your seat. "He's making U.S. Servicepeople take him on a walking tour of a Baghdad marketplace for a photo-op?" Dialogue so poorly written that it will cause you to do several spit takes: "Wait, did he just say the market was perfectly safe?"
John McCain is Book of Shadows. He's copied a man nobody wants to hear from anymore. And he's a bit glitzier. He can speak English sentences. He's had a lot of experience. But the script fucking sucks.
It's time to sell out for the big money. Hell, the original made big money. But he soon discovers--or, will soon discover--that nobody's gonna buy it. It's one thing to be a product everyone's gotten tired of. It's another thing entirely to be a shitty photocopy of it.
All the glitz, all the big studio backing, all the script doctors, and the biggest budget in the world can't save a doomed project. Even Chuck Hagel's figured that out, he's changing his name to Alan Smithee.
Sometimes, the sequel really, really bombs.
In a world where John McCain is Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, Mitt Romney is 1988's Purple People Eater.
For what it's worth, I hate horror movies. They scare the shit out of me. And I hate blood.