Today, President George W. Bush and the White House administration announced that they had finally found someone willing to be the new War Czar in charge of overseeing Iraq operations "24/7". The man is 25-star General Zapp Brannigan, a highly-decorated military officer of the Democratic Order of Planets.
"Zapp is a genius, a military mastermind, and I have no doubt with him in charge we will soon be victorious in the war against terror," George Bush said as he introduced him at a White House press conference this morning. "From his successful campaign defeating the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, to conquering the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula, he's shown us he has what it takes."
At that moment, George W. Bush stepped aside and let Zapp Brannigan take the stage, alongside his lieutenant, Kif Kroker. "People of Earth! I have come to lead your people to a very sexy victory! When the President told me about the situation in Iraq, I'd never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about. Still, he promised me that I could outfit all the men in velour uniforms, and I couldn't pass up a situation like that. Plus, I get to wear all my medals. Show them my medals, Kif."
Reporters barraged the new war czar with questions, asking the general how he intended to win the war on terror in Iraq. Responding, Gen. Brannigan said, "Now, like all great plans my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. The enemy has a limited number of explosives and ammunition. So we'll send more and more men into the country, until the enemy has run out of ammo and explosive! Once that's happened, they'll be completely helpless. If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of those dominoes will fall like a house of cards... checkmate."
General Brannigan then said he planned to ramp up recruiting to the highest levels possible to allow for the extra personnel he would need. When media members questioned how he would complete training in time for Iraq, the general shunned the idea of training. "It's not training they need. The key to victory is discipline. All I need from a crew is their complete loyalty. If I had that, then they could drink beer in their underpants for all I care. Some of them are white, and some of them are black. But I don't care if their skin's red, or tan, or Chinese. They're all going to have to learn to die together."
When others brought up that this will involve heavy casualties for the United States, one calling it a suicide mission, Zapp Brannigan replied with, "When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission! Men of the Armed Forces, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your country. Many of you will by dying for your country. A few of you will be blown into tiny bits for your country. They will be the luckiest of all." One veteran in the crowd desperately asked the question, "Sir, why is this godforsaken country worth dying for?" the general replied, "Don't ask me. You're the ones who are going to be dying. What did you think I meant by loyalty?"
The ceremony ended with George W. Bush thanking the general for his candid answers, saying he had his full confidence, and the group retiring back to the White House to deal with official matters.