Don't ask me how I got this level of access, but we're just in time to liveblog the remainder of the meeting. Deities representing the planet's major religions are having a particularly difficult time deciding the ultimate fate of evangelist Jerry Falwell, who died earlier today.
Let's listen in. Jesus Christ currently has the floor.
Jesus: I'm supposed to love this guy, but he really tries my patience.
Joseph Smith: He called my faithful a cult! No way he's getting in.
Allah: You got off easy. He was always slandering my followers.
Freddie Mercury: Oh, you're the one who got off easy, honey. Did you hear what he said about my people?
God: OK, OK. Let's not derail the conversation. Let's talk about what he did to deserve to get in here.
Allah: Well, that's a short list.
Vishnu: He did establish a university. Surely that indicates a desire to spread knowledge throughout the world.
Jesus: Y'know, for a guy with so many arms, Vishnu, you sure do reach a lot. That place was not a university. He taught that the world was only 8,000 years old! I may have been born in the year zero, but I wasn't born yesterday.
Gaia: An excellent point. Perhaps he does have more to learn.
Buddha: I think he should go back for another few lifetimes. We could start him off as a tadpole.
Vishnu: That's your answer to everything, Buddha!
Buddha: Take it easy, third-eye.
Vishnu: Oh, go sit under a tree!
Jesus: Could we not talk about trees?
God: Enough! Don't make me get Old Testament on you two.
Lao Tzu: If I might interject, I think the best thing we could do is ponder his alternative to heaven.
Confucius: Confucius say what?
Jesus: He's talking about hell, Confucius.
God: Right. I'll get Satan on the red phone.
(God picks up the receiver)
God: Let's see... I know it starts with 666...
(Dials, rings, clicks)
Bonn Scott: You've reached Hell. Abandon hope all ye who call here. How may I direct your call?
God: Satan, please.
Bonn Scott: Oh, the big man, eh? Well, His Horniness just returned from lunch. Please hold.
("Sweet Leaf" plays on hold music)
God: "When I first met you... Didn't realize..."
Jesus: Are you on hold?
God: Verily.
(click)
Satan: Hell's kitchen, you kill 'em, we grill 'em!
God: Satan, this is God.
Satan: Gaaaaw-wwww-d! Long time, no see! I hope you're not still pissed about losing a third of your angels and all that.
God: I'm past it. Listen, we're at a real impasse on this Falwell issue, and he's been waiting at the gates for hours. St. Peter can only stall him for so long.
Satan: Get the the point, Hitler's scheduled for a hot lava massage in thirty.
(Jesus grabs the phone)
Jesus: What we want to know, Satan, is whether you have a place for him... you know... down there?
Satan: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
Satan: I mean, crap! No way. You always send the jerks down here. This is just like the L. Ron Hubbard thing.
Jesus: Yeah, but we let Nixon in up here, so you owe us.
Satan: Sigh... OK, but now we're even! Anyway. See you Monday for poker! Bring money!
(Click)
Buddha: Well, that went well. But I still say tadpole is the way to go.
God: I think that concludes our meeting. Refreshments will be available in the lobby, and don't forget the Bach/Hendrix/Cobain concert is tonight at 10 followed by the midnight prose reading by Mr. Poe.
I won't be able to make it tonight, though, because I'm appearing in a grilled cheese sandwich in Macon, Georgia around that time.